[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Parker

Yeah, that shit made me twitch too, so I am moving on .....

The internalized stuff is huge because we dont always see it - and even when it is pointed out to us, we still dont always see it .... sometimes, even just having it pointed out to us can make us angry because it goes against what we have been conditioned to believe for how ever long we've been around.

That internalized stuff comes from our conditioning that masculine and maleness is valued more than femininity and femaleness. From birth, girls are ingrained with this idea - we are treated differently than boys, we are given different toys, told what games to and not to play, etc. and we are shown that in most, if not all ways, boys are more valued.

Hell, when I was 16 years old, my parents got me an old 1972 Pontiac LaManns in banana yellow - and I loved the hell out of that car lol. A year and a half later, when my little brother turned 16, they took the car from me and gave it to him, telling me that "boys need cars" and that if I wanted to get a ride somewhere, I should ask a boy or find a boy with a car to date.

This wasnt in the 1950s - this was in the mid-late 1980s - but I do understand that a lot of what they said and felt came from their own upbringing in the 50s.

From an early age until I left home - and even after I left home and was in the Navy (and dont get me started on how the Navy treated/treats women with what jobs we can and cannot do!) - I was taught by my parents who I was supposed to be and that I would never be as good as a boy or man; that being male was the top of the pyramid. Hell, all the way through college and well into being in the Navy, all my mom wanted for me was to find a nice rich man to take care of me - a sugar daddy - because, apparently, I couldnt take care of myself.

I have to wonder if that's part of why I almost transitioned when I was in my early 20s. I never wanted to be a man, but so many people already thought I was a man and so many others were telling me I should transition that I thought that maybe I should just get it over with (I still, to this day, have people telling me I should transition). I started to hate the woman in me because, according to what I had learned so far, she was holding me back, keeping me from certain jobs, clothing, sports, etc.

It took me such a long time to realize it was society that was fucked up, not me.


I wanted to add that I am not in any way trying to say that I dont like men or male id butches or that I think they are bad or somehow wrong - I am not trying to imply that I have had it worse off than anyone else - I dont play the oppression olympics .... we all face violence, we all feel invisible at one time or another, and we all can have feeling of being devalued.

I am just speaking about my experiences as a butch woman walking through this patriarchal world.

I spent a lot of time mulling this over today and having flashbacks to less pleasant times.

Having grown up in a very traditional Italian family, the message was very clear.....girls/females/women behavior, dress, think, aspire to, prefer, defer, etc certain things. I very much felt female but the traditions didnt fit who I was, how I behaved, how I thought, what I aspired to, or how I preferred to dress.

Heck, I even remember the day my brother told me I didnt wash my hands like a girl. There was a girls only way of washing hands? Really? I remember watching people wash their hands after that. I didnt have the words for it back then, but today I can say it was really weird to me that people ascribed masculine and feminine to something as mundane as handwashing. Little did I know how deep and far reaching that dichotomy ran.

There was never a disconnect inside of me, or between my internal self and my body. There was a disconnect between the internal me and the external world. Society was saying my way of being female was being interpreted as being masculine/male-like and that was not a good thing.

When I came out as a young adult, once again, what felt perfectly normal and natural to me was framed into something else because I didnt fit the norm of what being a woman was about back then. So, who I was was transformed into, "I was a lesbian because I wanted to be a man." Sigh.

Throughout my life, I have tried on different labels hoping to find one that reflects the totality of who I am and is perceived in the way I wish it to be. Considering our community invents more and more labels to reflect its growing diversity, you would think I could find one that works, or at least one that I dont have to continuously explain or qualify.

Nowadays, I just prefer to say I am a female/woman who expresses my femaleness/womanness my way. Simple, yes? Nah.

Regardless of what I say or feel, others still experience me and treat me from within their own frame of reference/experience which does not always match mine.

People stuff is really tricky shit. Society stuff is really tricky shit. A lot of the isms have become so institutionalized, and so internalized that it is sometimes different to distinguish between what might be an ism vs a preference, or an ism vs humor, or malicious intent vs naivete, or cultural differences vs ???.

Very, very, tricky stuff.