[Sparkle]

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

I LOVE your advice! To answer other questions raised:

We're marrying at the church we worship at, reception in Cambridge (70 or so guests)

Both sets of parents are ecstatic about our nuptials. (both of us "came out" drama free) They are both middle-class white collar dads/SAHMs.

We both have student debt/will just be starting our respective careers.

The things we'd need to pay our own way for:Wedding gown/tuxedo, Diamond on gold band/Men's platinum band

That is wonderful that your families are so supportive and willing to underwrite most of the costs. Its amazing, really!

I would still encourage you and your partner to be actively involved in the budget and planning process - for a couple of reasons...

1. When you're aware of the cost of things, they have greater value -- not because they are expensive or not, but because you understand exactly what your parents are paying for that salmon vrs. filet entree, and when you have a sense of the value you are much more likely to be more appreciative and less likely to take for granted the enormous cost in money and in energy.

2. If one family is paying for everything then disregard this point, but if the two families are sharing the costs it is important for you and your partner to be active participants in the budget and decision making process so you can ensure that everyone is on the same page in terms of expectations and assigned responsibilities. This is important because you want to help facilitate a positive and healthy relationship between both sets of parents that will extend in to the future. You can't control your parents, or how they act/react, but you can help to avoid miscommunication pitfalls by being an active participant in the process - not sideline referees when trouble arises.

(trust me on this one, my sister will be forever negotiating holidays and birthday parties because my mother and her mother-in-law fell out over stupid little details, they didn't say anything at the time but they stewed over it and now its handbags-at-dawn at every co-family function )

3. Weddings bring out the best and the worst of everyone involved, even the calmest, sweetest of people. Both you and your partner will hit points of utter frustration, sheer exhaustion and total apathy and you will *both* have your own bride/butch-zilla moments. (you may say: "no way, never, not me" but I promise you - you will both have them).

And equally, with both sets of parents intimately involved you can be guaranteed they will also have their high and low points in the process, they will have their mom-zilla moments, your fathers will have their "HOW MUCH?!?!?!" moments and not everyone will agree on everything all the way through...being prepared for those mini-(and sometimes not so mini)- meltdowns will help you keep things in perspective. It will help you take a deep breath and be gentle and kind with your partner when she loses it, and vice versa. Be sensitive. Be self-aware. Graciously accept that some concessions are worth while. Carry Rescue Remedy 24/7 (seriously).

4. Being involved will help you to remember to pick your battles wisely with your parents. If they are footing the bill you will have to make some concessions, some of the time. The more involved and aware you are of the costs and the details, the more likely you are to be able to ensure *your wedding* feels like *your wedding*, that it contains elements that are important to each of you and reflective of your values and beliefs about your relationship while still ensuring your parents feel appreciated and their contributions valued.

check out offbeatbride.com they have a lot of information, ideas and 'real life' stories regarding queer weddings.

Again, many congratulations!