Quote:
Originally Posted by CharmingButch25
So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...
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all the stuff i highlighted in
blue is something that i've thought myself, on my worst days. then i pull my head out of my youknowwhatsis and get a grip. that's *my* take on it when *i* do it and i finally recognize that i'm doing it. i'm NOT saying you have your head there per se or that you want to feel this way or that you're copping out. i'm saying that we all get mired in our own sh*t and it can be hard to
feel our way past it. i say 'feel' because no amount of logic can carry you out sometimes. sometimes you just gotta feel it and feel it and f*cking feel it until you realize that the actual pain is coming from a part of your lovingmind that is whispering 'you're a brilliant and beautiful soul and you're exactly where you need to be in order to learn what you need to learn and you are infinitely lovable.' it hurts because you KNOW your lovingmind is right but your misermind is screaming 'you're a pathetic unlovable f*ckwit' so loudly that it's all you can access sometimes.
here's the worst part. i think it's the unwillingness to acknowledge that we're NOT actually unlovable that causes the pain. sounds like a sh*t ton of meshugas i know but i'm thinking alot about this recently and the more i think about it and pick it apart the more i'm convinced i'm on to something, even if it's only the tip of the iceberg.
i think we get stuck in repetitious cycles because they're familiar and so they
seem right. we get habituated to patterns, feelings, behaviors and we shift into tunnel vision. you know the tunnel right? the one with the signs that say 'it's gonna be different this time. just be positive! focus on what you want to believe and not on the last time you jumped the shark doing this same damn thing. just keep moving forward! you can make it work if you try hard enough or want it bad enough!' oy. it can be never ending that tunnel. it's the 'i think i can' mentality gone horribly horribly wrong.
so we do the same thing over and over for whatever reasons we have and expect the results to be different which is the definition of meshugenah. might as well have our mail forwarded to crazyville. do the same thing over and over and next thing we know we feel too broken to be lovable because
we break ourselves over and over again with our lack of self-love and self-respect..
it's not the other person's fault if they cant give us a chance if we wont give them our honest truest selves to have a chance with!(that's for the
red part above) i'm guilty as f*ck of doing this. 100% guilty. not because i wanted to hold back but because i was wrapped up in my "i have demons" mentality. not even
consciously. and that's part of the problem too. when i'm in that place where i've determined and declared that i'm unlovable then i'm sorta "living"
unconsciously if you see what i mean. if we're mired in that sh*t then how can we be our "i'm a brilliant and beautiful soul" selves? we do the same damn "i have demons" thing over and over because it was all comfy and familiar in the beginning and humans love to gamble. we'll play the slots forever, never win and then walk away broke trying to figure out why the world didnt cut us a break every time. and we'll go back again and again with the same mindset. but at some point the pain we cause ourselves is more damaging than the discomfort of changing what we do, so we change what we do or we die trying i guess and it's the die trying part that's important and here's why.
something like 175,000 people die every day (dont quote me on that number). so approx 175,000 people died yesterday and guess what? they all were broken at one time or another, maybe even yesterday. and they all also had dreams and hopes and plans. they were all going to go someplace special one day and learn to speak another language one day and fall in love again one day. they were all going to go back to school one day or travel the world one day or learn to cook Indian food one day or whatever. alot of them were going to go to therapy one day and learn how to love themselves better one day or take the time to figure out what was really important one day. but they're dead now so too bad for them. and at the end of today 175,000 more people just like them will be dead. you're part of a random group of 175,000 people and
you never know when your day is. so dont be the mayor of crazyville. stop limiting your view of your life to sh*t. i'm here to tell you that
you're a brilliant and beautiful soul and you're exactly where you need to be in order to learn what you need to learn and you are infinitely lovable.
so knock that 'unlovable' sh*t off. people love you. hell i probably love you. the whole freakin Planet loves you. ok maybe not the whole Planet but who cares? serious. (((hugs)))