i'd like to say i am completely enjoying this dialogue. THANK YOU!
For me i was always confused about who i am. i never liked so called girly things, well some. i would steal my brothers toys so i could play with fun trucks, race cars, erector sets and hammering things. When my father was building anything usually boats, i helped. i hated the man but wanted to do things like that so i learned early on what tools were what and how to change a carburetor. i love motors and machines, fishing and running the boat myself. i love power tools, my father actually gave me a ton of power tools when i got older.
None of these traits are typical *girl* traits. i did do stuff with girls, like bake and play dolls but that was not nearly as much fun as riding on the mini bike with my brother. i climbed trees for crying out loud... most girls my age were in frilly dresses and mortified by my playing in the dirt. i liked other girls like me! i still loved being a girl, but i didn't feel like my friends. My sister would think i was gross because i was so unlike most girls. i always felt like a tug of war going on inside.
When i grew older boys they found my behavior a challenge. Soooo i toned it down, i felt there was something wrong with me. i had to become more of a "girl". BUT i actually started to enjoy wearing frocks and make up. I still played and coached softball, went fishing, took things apart and played in the dirt but could easily take a shower and slip on a sundress and heels and be just as comfortable. Just like when i was a kid i embraced both *worlds*
When i was in my 30s and disconnected with my father, who i felt was a major reason i didn't come out when i knew i was *different* at an early age, like 3.. i fell in love with my femme side, and who i AM. Finding someone who embraced me that same way has been a challenge. Since my 30's i've been in the kink world too, so finding someone who embraces all that i am and my kink side too has been a challenge. i am convinced i have found the one and only person on the planet who loves me like i am, doesn't want to change me or be more or less of this or that. She is not challenged because she knows who SHE is. It works.
i've known butches who have felt challenged by my ways. One told me i took "her butch pride" away by my hooking up my bilge pump to my boat when it was storming. Well she didn't know how to and i certainly wasn't gonna let my boat sink. i was expecting a *way to go you saved the day* instead i got a scolding. Previous to that she told me she fell in love with me when i took her fishing for the first time, loved that i was independent and able minded. It's like "OMG I LOVE YOU!!! YOU ARE SO PERFECT FOR ME" ... then *ok change for me now*.
Another told me she was disgusted with me as a femme because i gut fish. They think it's cute that i like *tomboy* stuff, UNTIL they feel challenged. i learned that's not my problem, it's theirs.
it took me about 40 years to learn that.
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