[aishah]

nomad, i can't tell you what you should do. i can tell you what i try to do in my own life. i can tell you some of how i think things could go differently in these kinds of conversations (having seen at least 3 of them here on the planet and a few elsewhere).

please forgive me because i'm having trouble getting across really what i want to express in a clear and concise way. so i'm hoping that this will at least...paint something of a picture. i just don't have the right words. and this might get super long.

in my own life, i try to actively interrogate my desires and figure out where my desires and choices are coming from. i'm not implying that anyone here hasn't done that - i'm sure you and others have. for me that's a big part of how i come to characterize what i desire and what i love doing and what my role is. some things i've become conscious of - i tend to end up with straight bio-men a lot and i think some of that is because of internalized homophobia and because of the fact that i often pass as straight/have mad femme invisibility going on. i also tend to end up with white people a lot and i have recognized that maybe some of that is internalized racism and colonialism on my part. the more i interrogate those things in my own life, i see new worlds opening up to me - both in terms of externally how i interact and internally with my self-awareness. when i first became involved in bdsm, i identified very strongly with the term "slave," and as i came to interrogate how i felt about that, i personally chose to stop using that term because it squicked me out. as a person with a disability, i try to actively be conscious about who i'm dating and what the privileges are around ability, and especially to not unconsciously isolate people who have more access needs or more advanced disabilities from my life as dating partners. because most of the dating scene self-selects for people who are more able-bodied. same goes for beauty/appearance. when i am in power exchange relationships, i am much more aware now of the ways in which privilege affects power dynamics - like, for me as an indigenous disabled woman to submit to an able-bodied white male doesn't come without a lot of (usually unexamined) baggage. doesn't mean i never play with able-bodied white men (though i have many friends who choose not to) but as i've interrogated these issues more and more over time and examined what the dynamics look like, i've been more able to recognize and address the ways that my relationships replicate patterns of privilege and oppression that are really harmful.

those are some examples of how i practice interrogating my own desires and trying to root out how privilege and oppression shape my desires.

what i wish would be different when people start talking about service submission is - i wish we could leave the goddamned 1950s out of it. or at least, if we are going to mention the 1950s at all, to do so with a framework that is critical and takes into account the whole and complex history, not just the upper class white people history. i wish people wouldn't say things like "people had much better manners then!" "those were the good old days!" i love baking and cooking and cleaning. i love homemaking. if i weren't poor and if i could have kids, i'd probably be a very happy homemaker. but i don't need to look at the 1950s and idealize the 1950s - and i can't idealize them for many reasons i've already said. there are a LOT of ways to characterize service submission without deferring to a time period that was even more overtly pervaded with white supremacy, ableism, colonialism, and misogyny/partriarchy than the time period we live in now. and honestly, i think it's a good idea for people who are into service submission to interrogate how patriarchy and other issues have shaped their desires, but that's just me. i wish that people - and not just me and snow (and i am super grateful for folks like belle and bully who speak up on these threads too) would speak up and say that the 1950s should NOT be the yardstick by which we talk about service submission. or homemaking. because that's whitewashing and it's oppressive and it's a million different kinds of fucked up. i wish we would get the categories changed on sites like collarme where "1950s lifestyle" is something you can choose as a kink. because the things that non-white and poor people went through in the 50s are not kinks. they are crimes against humanity. i wish i could go to a munch and not be the only non-white, non-upper class person in the room and not have to sit through discussions on how awesome the 1950s lifestyle is and not feel excluded because i don't live a very heteronormative life.

i wish - and i don't want to say this in a directive way or offend anyone by saying this - but i really wish that people would not say "oh, i love the june cleaver lifestyle!" or "oh, i love a femme who loves the june cleaver lifestyle!" i can't explain to you why it hurts more to see a butch write that, because i'm attracted to both butches and femmes, but it hurts me when butches and transguys point to straight women and call them femmes or speak of them as femme icons or say that they want a femme who does those things. i don't want to be compared to june cleaver. maybe i should just be grateful that it's a good way to weed people out - like - i guess i can assume we won't see eye to eye so i might as well not bother pursuing anything with someone if they think that way. but it sucks to come here and read posts like that. it makes me feel disrespected as a femme. (your mileage may vary and i'm not saying everyone needs to do what i want - i'm just saying - that's how it makes me feel. ~ edited to add: i think part of this for me is that i'm squicked anytime someone says stuff like that...like...i don't want to be compared to angelina jolie anymore than i want to be compared to june cleaver. i want someone to want -me.- for who -i- am.)

i wish that we could have these conversations without people saying things about feeling policed when poc bring up issues of privilege and oppression. i'm not sure if there is something that i could do differently as far as how i respond to posts to make people feel less attacked or policed - or if it is just another replication of the fucked up "scary woman of color" derail all over again. but i wish we could address issues of privilege and oppression without anyone feeling silenced.

i am so, so, so very happy that people are able to look at things and make choices about what they want and choose certain ways of being without feeling coerced. i remember when i covered for several years that for me that was a huge part of my decision - for me covering wasn't heteronormative because it was claiming my identity as a queer muslim woman. it was coming home to myself and my body. BUT...i also had to interrogate the privileges i had to make that choice without feeling coerced, and the fact that i made that choice with less or different kinds of baggage/history attached to covering than many women who were raised muslim or from other countries. i had to interrogate the fact that that decision is tied to a patriarchal history even though women of all backgrounds now do their best to make free decisions themselves to cover. i had to interrogate the fact that as a lightskinned u.s. citizen, for me to wear a headscarf or a face veil would be a totally different experience than perhaps that of an immigrant with darker skin. perhaps that is a good parallel to this situation. i am so, so happy that there are people who can freely make the choice to live a lifestyle of service submission. but i think that it is good to be conscious and critical and investigate (especially when the 1950s are brought up) all of the things that tie into that, historically and presently, particularly race, class and ability issues.