Weatherboi, you brought up something I had totally put away in my brain files with the issue of transphobia within our own "neighborhood". Sorry I didn't quote you but thoughts in head flying so fast, I didn't wanna lose chance for fingers to put them down before they dashed off. Lol.
In past posts I talk about feeling that shun from within the rainbow (my word for LGBTQ cause I don't always remember the alphabet
) but you brought up something that, for me, is even harder to deal with and that is being looked down on (for lack of better words) by other transmen. Even though it's never really happened to me in real life, it is a very real fear that I have. I don't know any FTMs that I've met face to face and for longest time I figured it's all about the area we live in but sitting here, letting myself self evaluate while reading all this has made me realize just how afraid I am to meet other FTMs. That's a mind boggling moment for me right now.
I think a huge part of it is my own issue though. I get called Ma'am and she so often, especially when hair gets long, that I start to allow it to affect my own view of myself. I start becoming my own worst enemy because then I (my soul and true self) begins to become invisible to me. Now it doesn't matter if others don't see that I'm FTM or just flat out male because I don't even see myself that way, whether consciously or subconsciously.
I think it plays a really big part in my "chest thumping" moments because I feel I have to "show" an abundance of male energy in order for the real me to be seen. It's also the reason I want so damn strongly to begin the transition process. To the point that I get angry and frustrated sometimes. I know it's my issue, not anyone else's because I am allowing myself to fall for what society wants me to feel/think/see. With you bringing up transphobia within our own group, I can see how I sometimes even put it on myself.
NOw don't get me wrong. Never do I doubt what my soul is. I KNOW 100% I am a man. No question about that. I just start questioning whether what others (and myself) see when looking at me. Hence the chest thumping. Also why I think I'm realizing how scared/nervous I actually am of meeting other FTMs in person. For so long I have had to contend with female pronouns, within family, within work (even the job I have now, I have to go by my birth name for DOT purposes). I worry that when others will see me, meet me, they will not see the man that is in me.
Wow. Never really had that nerve struck/thought provoked but thank you weatherboi. Seriously, I did not truly realize how engrained that fear is but it's there so it's something I need to address for myself. Thank you. Done rambling now. Thanks.
Brute.