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Hominid · 10-29-2012, 09:39 PM

Greyson -

That was very clear, thank you. And please, don't walk on eggshells with me. Of course others are reading, but you owe ME no explanations or apologies.

Ah, I see now. I felt hurt and humiliated - like the entire town was judging me - for about six months. It was hard at work, my closest friend and I didn't communicate much. I attribute that as much to appearing gender-neutral, being extremely self-conscious and feeling that everyone was talking about me (which they most likely were). I was scared for my kids and nervous around my neighbors. I felt like a freak to straight people and a source of shame and judgment to lesbians.

I worked a lot, which was equally hard, patients would ask other staff after I left the room whether I was male or female. But I got more support there than elsewhere. Sometime, somehow - I saw "me" in the mirror, and my validation came from strangers taking me for who I was; not some complex statement on what gender and sexuality means - and I was really aware of straight people who knew, or who found out, immediately thinking about my genitals.

Now, with time - and this is all in retrospect obviously, I think it has helped a lot that the scales have tipped. More people don't know than do. With those I know know, it is rarely a topic. I keep pictures up of me pre-transition - not lots, but I'm not taking down a meaningful picture. Besides, I was cute. I have pictures of my graduation with my late father, my mom's favorite picture of me as a little girl, and pictures of me with my daughter when she was born.

I guess that's way off topic. But .. in answer to your question, I didn't carry much anger. I had frustration with my closest friend. I felt a lot of shame which was corrected when the transition was "complete" for me. However, I didn't have a large community either. I was married with two small kids - the bulk of my social life was soccer games. I left it to my then-wife to tell people, which now I realize was a mistake that retarded my own ability to deal with having done it. Anyway, being buried in a family at the time meant I didn't have to move about in the world alone, I had the roles of father and husband to insulate me, so I was very fortunate.

Thank you for clarifying - I felt like I missed a post or something!

10-29-2012, 09:39 PM	#114
Hominid Member How Do You Identify?: Male with interesting historical perspective Relationship Status: Taking Applications Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: In perpetual Wonder. And Western Mass. Posts: 254 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 417 Thanked 753 Times in 187 Posts Rep Power: 11507408	Greyson - That was very clear, thank you. And please, don't walk on eggshells with me. Of course others are reading, but you owe ME no explanations or apologies. Ah, I see now. I felt hurt and humiliated - like the entire town was judging me - for about six months. It was hard at work, my closest friend and I didn't communicate much. I attribute that as much to appearing gender-neutral, being extremely self-conscious and feeling that everyone was talking about me (which they most likely were). I was scared for my kids and nervous around my neighbors. I felt like a freak to straight people and a source of shame and judgment to lesbians. I worked a lot, which was equally hard, patients would ask other staff after I left the room whether I was male or female. But I got more support there than elsewhere. Sometime, somehow - I saw "me" in the mirror, and my validation came from strangers taking me for who I was; not some complex statement on what gender and sexuality means - and I was really aware of straight people who knew, or who found out, immediately thinking about my genitals. Now, with time - and this is all in retrospect obviously, I think it has helped a lot that the scales have tipped. More people don't know than do. With those I know know, it is rarely a topic. I keep pictures up of me pre-transition - not lots, but I'm not taking down a meaningful picture. Besides, I was cute. I have pictures of my graduation with my late father, my mom's favorite picture of me as a little girl, and pictures of me with my daughter when she was born. I guess that's way off topic. But .. in answer to your question, I didn't carry much anger. I had frustration with my closest friend. I felt a lot of shame which was corrected when the transition was "complete" for me. However, I didn't have a large community either. I was married with two small kids - the bulk of my social life was soccer games. I left it to my then-wife to tell people, which now I realize was a mistake that retarded my own ability to deal with having done it. Anyway, being buried in a family at the time meant I didn't have to move about in the world alone, I had the roles of father and husband to insulate me, so I was very fortunate. Thank you for clarifying - I felt like I missed a post or something!