[alexri]

It's around 5:30 am right now. I should be on the way to the gym, but I am staying at home this morning so I can vote instead. My polling area is notorious for long lines and running out of ballets at night so I vote first thing in the morning.

Right now I'm fueled just on pure morning adrenaline. I hope this all comes out right.. thoughts just kinda pouring out through the keyboard.

So... first of all, I appreciate that the majority of the people on this online community can understand that someone can identify as a trans person without actually going through the transition, either by choice, because of lack of resources, because of medical restrictions, or for whatever reason. I stopped seeing a counselor who said "well if you don't want to have surgery right away, you're not trans."

Lesbian never felt right to me. It took me until I got to college to appreciate what had been there all along- a definite attraction and physical/sexual desires for females, not males. Yes I did sleep with bio males when I was in high school. I *thought* I was supposed to do that. And I did with a few, thinking *I'm supposed to like this, maybe he's just doing it wrong.* Nothing. And actually: it was revolting. And even in those relationships I was the dominant person. I wouldn't even call them relationships I think.

It wasn't until college where I finally talked to a trusted friend about how I felt. Coming from a very conservative family (who called me last night to make sure I would vote for Romney, ugh), I literally had no idea what gay or lesbian meant until someone explained it to me. And the light bulb went on! But still, even though I had started dating women, something was quite wrong. It's taken me another 10-15 years to appreciate the other part of my life that has been there all along-- the inner feeling that I am male, a male soul, male energy.

Looking back on it all, through my own thoughts and through therapy, so many signs are obvious. A lifelong revolting feeling to dresses, makeup, female-identified activities. Always automatically being the "dad" when playing house. Always playing with the boys and not the girls. Rejecting dolls for trucks. Never fitting in at school because people didn't know what to make of me. Sneaking into my parent's basement during the night, lighting candles like an altar, and then praying to god to fix me. Wondering for so long what was wrong with me. Crying for days when my menstrual cycle started because it meant I really was a girl. I have always cringed when I was called "beautiful" or "pretty." There's always been this internal lack of comfort when I am addressed by my assigned female name, so much to the point where I don't even say it when I answer the phone. I wanted to change my name as early as high school. And then there's the body dysmorphia... all the times of looking in a mirror and just breaking out into tears. Always wearing clothing that hid my body and my female curves. Wearing men's clothes for over 25 years. There's so many examples. For a while to me I thought it was being a butch. But even that wasn't right. In college I was brought to lesbian bars by groups of friends. I felt like I was in the wrong place. If only the little voice in my head that now can say "you are male" had the words for it years ago, I could have spared myself from a lot of depression, self-hate, isolation, and feelings of being unworthy. It wasn't until I started going to trans groups that I felt comfortable.

Genderqueer really didn't exist 10 years ago, and transgender rights were barely on the radar. My age group grew up with negative images of trans people (think Silence of the Lambs). Even 10 years ago I can remember fights at activism meetings about including the T in GLBT and how many people thought this group did not belong. And there are those within the T community that think that if you are not going through surgery and hormones, you are not really trans. The reality is, people like us have existed throughout societies around the world for centuries. And unfortunately too many people attacked what they did not understand. Sometimes I wonder if we adopt labels for a comfort level for ourselves, or for the comfort of others, so people know how to treat us. I am very appreciative that groups have started to move to the umbrella approach for equality, recognizing that while legally wording and labels have to be specific for protection/rights because society as a whole pigeonholes us, but in reality gender and sexual identify are much more fluid.

I feel like our society is still so rooted in male/female, pink/blue, that it doesn't know how to handle those that identify as the opposite gender, have gone through transition, are in the middle, or those who simply identify as something different than the vessels we were born in. Fortunately the world is changing much faster than ever before, and today's youth is much more open minded, understanding and accepting. I can only hope things will be much easier for the next generation, and that someday people will look back at GLBT rights and shake their heads at what took so long. And I need to turn all my pain into something positive. What can I do to make sure no other person has to suffer, to agonize, to contemplate suicide? How can I help my community? How can I stay connected? Transgender feels like the right word for me. Right now my life focus is on what I ignored for so long- self love and self respect.

My other life motto is: "be a gentleman." I picture myself being the best example of a man I can be. I unfortunately do see FTMs in the community who absorb what I personally see to be the worst characteristics of men- not treating women with respect and seeing them as equal; using derogatory words to describe women, etc. To me it's about standing up for the rights of women and for equality issues such as equal pay, abortion rights, healthcare, etc. It's about being conscious with my words and manners. It's about being respectful and protective, not because women are weak (which they are most definitely not!), but out of loyalty and appreciation. As I grow more confident about who I am, I have found myself challenging things I would be too scared to face years ago.

I saw a post in a Facebook group where someone said "I am a FTG: a female to gentleman." I like that.

Time to get up for voting/work. Sorry about my rambling here.