[Gemme]

I don't know if it fully fits in the scope of this thread, but from the time I had conceptual thought....maybe 2 or 3...I knew that I was going to die a horrible, painful death that was going to be violent and that it would involve knives. It wasn't something I had a phobia about. It was just 'known' and came to me as easy as breathing. As I grew older and got a grasp on how the world worked, I came the conclusion it would either be a mugging/burglary or a domestic violence situation. Like I said, this was something I knew, like my name or my birthday. I'm Kat, my birthday is May 31st and I'm going to die violently by a knife-wielding person. *shrug*

But in the past few years, that's changed. The knowing 'went away'. And, for someone that has fallen asleep with and woken up to that knowledge for years, through more than a decade of sexual abuse, two failed marriages and some really, really poor choices in how I lived my life, I felt lost when I realized it was gone. It had been a relief, I suppose, to know. I'm one of 'those' people; the 'gotta know' people. When series finales or movies leave you hanging, it irritates me. Even if I disagree with how it should have been done, I still want to know a DEFINITE ending, otherwise it's not an ending.

Looking back, I cannot pinpoint the exact moment that the knowing vanished. My logical theory....in a somewhat less than logical circumstance....is that something changed. Either I made a choice that altered my future or someone else made a choice that altered my future. Okay, I can live with that. BUT...please remember, I'm one of 'those' people. So, I've worked it over in my head and worried it until it's a tired, frayed thought and I've realized something.

I had that thought firmly imbedded in my pysche when I moved to WA but did not have it any longer when I moved to TX. Well, shoot. That gives me more than 4 years to mull over. And, of course, I have. I worked in hospitality and came into contact with a lot of people, day in and day out. I also removed myself from an unhealthy relationship during that time frame and, literally, began my life over from nothing. Billions of opportunities to change one's life or the life of another during that time.

Maybe the act itself of beginning life again, a rebirth of sorts, tripped the reset button. I'm still not 100% positive, and that does frustrate me once in a while, but I think I've gotten it narrowed down to an incident that involved the ex trying to get me to open my lobby doors so we could talk. Note: this was well after midnight in the morning, it was against company policy to open the doors until the set time they were supposed to be open, and my gut was screaming....screaming! and it never does that....not to open the door. Granted, I've done things in my various jobs that would get me into trouble if found out. But this time, I was genuinely afraid. So, I didn't. And we stood with thick glass doors and windows and wooden panels between us and she screamed at me and I remember feeling removed from the situation. I assumed it was me disassociating from the temper tantrum that was happening (my go to coping mechanism) but maybe it was more. Maybe it was something pulling me back from my future as I knew it. This person was military trained and very upset. Anything could have happened. Or nothing.

Looking back, I remember it being very difficult to get to sleep after work that morning, but when I did, I slept very soundly. Maybe...

This train of thought came about between Girl_on_Fire's thoughts on instincts and dee's thoughts about destiny. I've always thought that our lives are a mixture of destiny and free will.....that we're going to wind up however, whenever, wherever like we are destined...supposed...to be, but how we get there....our paths....are chosen by us.

Maybe I chose a different path that night.