[ReDo]

I just learned today that my father passed away on Thanksgiving night. Returning home from dinner he had another heart attack. We were not close not even in my wildest imagination can I say we were ever close. I have three childhood memories of my dad. One he showed up late one night after my brithday I remember because I had just gotten my birthday bear carebear. I was so happy to show him. Then he came and him and my mother had a huge fight a knife was pulled on her and he left. He kidnaped me once held me for a couple of weeks and tortured me. So not that great of memories. I saw him again when I was 18 and it was my choice my terms... He was drunk again or still I don't know he was always drunk. I became so angry at him for all the years he wasn't there and all the hurt he brought I screamed at him and left. Those were the last words I ever said to the person who was supposed to be my father.

Today I read his obituary it didn't even mention having a daughter. It listed all the boys but not one mention of me at all. It was the final hard slap across the face from that side of my family.

I am not really sure where the hurt is coming from honestly. Yeah so he is gone it isn't like we have talked in 18 years. It isn't like I expected anything from him. Sure I would call where he worked and just make sure he was okay by asking whoever asked the phone how he was doing but never spoke to him. Just wanted to know he was okay.

I never said I am sorry I never said I love you because honestly I still don't know if I did love him.

Its pretty raw right now. I am not going to his services because they are in Vermont and I am in Florida.. I have a horse awards program to go to this saturday and honestly Tank my horse loves me far more than my dad ever did.

I guess one day it will all settle down and make sence or I will learn to forgive.. I can't forgive him but I can forgive myself for my choices.