[hippieflowergirl]

a while ago i discovered, quite obliquely, that i'd been accused of "attention seeking". i was going through a challenging time and needed to talk about it...to ask questions about it...to be heard when i was afraid. i was probably more vocal than was comfortable for the audience in question. it was on my mind 24/7 and 365. the meds were always wrong or symptom control was unpredictable or things would be great for a week and then suck for a day...and then be great for a week and then suck for two weeks...it was crazy making. i asked questions of random people, asked for advice, for help, i talked about it non-stop because it damn well mattered to me that my life was changing so much, so fast, and in ways i couldnt control.

attention seeking? damn right. i would have screamed from the rooftop if it would have made something make sense or if i could have found one person who DIDNT say "it's going to be okay. dont worry. you have so much time and so much to look forward to." if one more person says "dont worry, it's going to be okay" i'm going to gut them....because guess what? it's NOT okay, and it's NOT going to get better, and thank you for caring so much but your caring does not mean that i feel differently all of a sudden.

i dont wallow. i never have. but i'm scared out of my mind some days and it's not going to change unless i can sit with that fear and honor it and embrace it and let it have a damn voice and get it outside of me so that it doesnt consume who i really am. i am not the disease. i didnt stop being me when parkinson's came to live in my brain with the rest of me but i'll be damned if i'm going to pretend i'm not freaked out 8 days out of 7.

attention seeking? damn fucking right i'm attention seeking. and i'm doing it honestly and in a straightforward manner and i'm trying to have a damn sense of humor about it too. i dont think i'm worse or better off than anyone else because i'm not busy comparing. i'm just trying to do things one breath at a time. if i dont do it in the same way someone else does, if i'm not nearly as gracious or half as courageous or even remotely as well adjusted as someone else then excuse the fuck out of me...because gues what? i'm not gracious and i'm not courageous and i'm not any more or less well adjusted than the next sort of human.

not only am i attention seeking some days....i'm perfectly okay with life on others. depends upon the day. doesnt it with everyone?

i dont think i'm special because i have parkinsons. i'm special because i'm a kick ass righteous little smart mouthed bitch and i know it (most days).

attention seeking. yeah baby. i'm seeking. so pay attention. i'll return the favor any freaking day of the week because i dont expect you to want any less than what we all want...a witness to your life and someone to hear your voice.

everybody wants that.

EVERYBODY