Did you ever have that point where you're walking past a window or a mirror, and out of the corner of your eye, you see him? You see your reflection, and it's him?
Or when someone's dog comes up to you, and the dog owner says, "that's weird, my dog only acts that way around men"?
I know who I am. All the pieces of the puzzle fit now. It's the explanation for so much in life... the total lack of interest in all girl-centered toys growing up; faking an interest in boy bands in grammar school because that's what I was supposed to like; never, ever feeling comfortable in lesbian bars, feeling like an outsider; the body dysmorphia; the total lack of comfort during certain sexual activities; dressing in men's clothes for over 20 years... and on, and on, and on.
At this point, I am just afraid. Afraid of the rejection. Afraid of the reaction of family, friends and coworkers. Afraid of going through body-altering changes and finding that it made me no happier than I am now.
Somedays I think I can go along faking it. Other days I cringe. Yes I do talk to a therapist about this, and I do belong to a couple of in-person trans social groups who are totally accepting.
Just rambling tonight.
|