Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa
This discussion didn't really feel at home in very many other threads in the zone so I wanted to start one here.
When I think of "headpatting", I think of how there have been times when it felt as if a Femme was expected to "know her place" in discussions, times when Femmes speaking up about their opinions were met with placating and patronizing.
I am interested in hearing from other Femmes about times they have felt "headpatted" by Butches, Transmen, and other Femmes. How did it manifest? How did it feel? Why do you think it happened?
I have had this discussion with a few of my girlfriends over the years but am interested in an expanded discussion.
Have you felt headpatted as a result of exercising a dominant voice? Do you see this as a symptom of sexism? Do you see this as a tool of silencing?
I'll add more in a bit.
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These are some very thought-provoking questions, Medusa.
Yes, I've had this happen before. Suprisingly, it's been older heterosexual women, more than any other group.
Which for me, was always a difficult thing because I was brought up to give respect to my elders, and to listen and to learn from their mistakes, as well as their experiences. So, for a long time, I would just listen to them, even if they were "headpatting" me on and off throughout the conversation.
But I did listen...and when you just listen and observe..you can learn at a very rapid pace. And eventually, I was taking that knowledge and expanding upon it. Therefore, "the student was out-learning the teacher", so-to-speak.
And then when that same individual (older than me, or not) would try to dismiss me again, I wouldn't whine about it. I would simply show him/her/hym/ect...what I did learn about the given subject...beyond even their scope..and then it usually doesn't happen again, w/ that person. I find this very effective,no matter who it is. I don't do that in a disrespectful or offensive manner, I just simply allow them to see me.
To me, every person or child has a valid voice and the right to express it without being shut down. As humans we all have a unequivocal *need* to express what we feel. A NEED.And that is expressed uniquely through the individual.
I don't know if it's coming from a sexist or silencing position, because I can't read another's history, experiences, trauma's, upbringing...ect. And I believe how we treat others, or how we move through the world, is a mixture of all of those things that make up that person's behaviors.
It's hard for me to get angry when this happens, because when someone's doing that, it says more about them, than it does about me. And sometimes, to me, it can even feel stragely nurturing...depending on the person and the circumstances, of course.
Do I do it, or have I done it?
Hmmmm....I'm sure that I have. But, I have not heard that specifically from anyone, yet.
If I had, I would hope that they would be straight with me, and just tell me how I really made them feel and why, now or later, at some point. It would be a learning experience for me, and I do welcome that.
There is a saying that I always try to keep somewhere in the forefront of my mind:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
>Maya Angelou