[deb_U_taunt]

Made sense to me, made me cry knowing I am not the only one.

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Thanks for answering, Jean. I believe that I have read somewhere that a long term effect of chemo can be depression. I suppose what I would think about in that case is if at least part of the depression is about going through cancer itself? Left over feelings about going through all of it and fears about the future? I know my fear of getting it again is very present and I feel like shit about myself if I am not eating in the way that I believe will keep cancer at bay (seagan =vegan+fish).

Does anyone else get flashbacks of your surgeries/chemo time period?

Every once in a while I will get a flash of either events surrounding the chemo itself, the time period, etc. The other day out of the blue, I all of a sudden "felt" the pressure of the nurse attaching the chemo tubing to my no-longer-there chemo port.

I can't have the ceiling fan on in the bedroom as my surgery was in the summer and I had it on all the time. If it is on, I flash back to the how I felt (physically and emotionally) as I was healing in that bed.

I also can get memories of things I completely forgot about related to my surgeries or chemo. They are things that I knew happened, but I didn't remember them for some reason. It is sort of hard to explain...how it is like you "remembered" it for the first time, even though if someone asked you if a particular thing happened, it is not like you wouldn't remember it.

The other day I was at my work's Holiday party. There was a couple of us there discussing wine and what we like. As I was launching into the reason that although I love beer, I try to mainly drink red wine (anything besides red wine could increase chance of recurrence), I turned to one of the people there and said, "I think you know I had cancer...", as an intro to what I was about to say. This woman is a part of our department, but I don't see her very frequently as she works in another area of the hospital. However, she is in our office for a few hours a week seeing outpatient clients.

In my head it was possible that she was unaware that I had cancer in the past. This is crazy. Let me tell you why....

This is the person whose office I stumbled into with a dripping chemo bag in my hand (I had a chemo pump for 48 hours every other week), after it had dropped to the floor and busted while I was in the bathroom. I didn't remember this. How crazy is that? How did I forget dropping a chemo bag that is attached to my chest...the chemo then pouring down my hand as I hold the bag away from my body...all the while sneaking out of the bathroom trying to hide this bag in my hand from the vision of my next client who is sitting in the waiting room? So, I saunter into this woman's office, shirt untucked with this chemo tubing coming out from the bottom of the shirt, with a dripping bag, place it in her trash can (still attached to my chest with tubing, of course), and ask for help. How does one forget this? I mean, I didn't forget it, I just hadn't thought of it since this happened. Anyone else ever experience moments of "forgetting" something? The infection control people come in to wipe down offices for crying out loud! How does one "block" this? lol

At the time of the wine discussion the woman just nodded and indicated she knew that I had had cancer. Next time I see her I will have to explain!