[Thinker]

Just want you to know I hear you......I get you.....and you are brave.

Big hugs your way, Alix...

Originally Posted by AlixKnight4All

Because I am not officially nor do I at this time consider myself a FTM I feel uncomfortable posting in the FTM venting thread. Yet, I have a need to vent so why not in this thread.

After all I am still unable to begin the transition I have secretly desired for a good many years now. Hey, this is improvement from my first post in here where I stated I choose not to and I am okay with it. Well it is not that I choose not to transition and I really am no where near okay with the body I was born into. What I am and I am ashamed to admit this, is conditioned to do something I swear I do not do and refuse to do and that is conform to everyone's wish or how they see me.

It seems to be worse when ever I live in my home town and state, like now, but no matter where I am that little voice is always in my head. The one that tells me I am to old to be trying to get my physical body to match the image I have of myself. I get so tired of hearing my birth name. Let's be honest I am tired of feeling the anger and the cringe each time I do hear it or see it. Which is way to often for my taste. Hearing it is such a shock to my system that I actually use it as the ultimate "stop" safe word when in a D/s relationship. Trust me it is good for that at least...will pull me right out of everything instantly no matter how intense the scene is!

Now that I am at the stage in my life, actually have been for awhile, where I want to transition and hell need to transition if for nothing else but my own sanity. Any acknowledgement to the body I was born into cuts through me like a knife. To hear Mam instead of Sir from strangers is almost as bad as hearing my birth name or my siblings calling me sis. However, nothing is worse then my own eyes sometimes. The my hands/fingers are to small. The acknowledgement that I have small feet for my height. The bitterness I feel when I see a real cool tat on a guys chest and think wow I want that then realize I can not have it.

I had a hystro long ago and with the research I have done I know I will never have bottom surgery or not until a lot more improvement is done in that area. This is where I am more then grateful for the ability to "feel" when I am having sex with a woman. To hear my own voice and cringe because it is not deep enough. The desire for T and the knowledge of how that one thing could improve my life yet know or think it just will not happen. Starts right in the feeling of why did I wait so long to reject the idea of continuing to conform. I just want my body, the one everyone sees, the one I see in the mirror to finally represent the man I am.

Okay vent over...
I do however want to acknowledge my continued support of those of us that choose not to medically transition. It is hard to be a "braveheart" and no matter the reason I want those that come after me to know I appreciate who they are.