[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by kannon

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

One thing I've learned about poly relationships is that one person can't make the rules for the entire group unless everyone is TRULY and HONESTLY okay with that dynamic and the rules that are put in place. Once those rules stop being okay for anyone, they need to speak up immediately. In your case it sounds like the boyfriend made the rules, and you and the girlfriend were probably okay with that in the beginning because it was exciting and new and you were happy with what you were getting. But your decision to cross that boundary when he wasn't around indicates that you obviously weren't okay with that boundary.

To your other point, I'm aware of many relationships where "sex is fine as long as emotions don't develop." That's another boundary that doesn't work - people will or won't develop feelings, but that's up to each individual - it isn't up to someone else to dictate whether or not that happens. They can try, but nobody can truly control someone else's emotions.