[theoddz]

I call folks out on this sort of shit.

Years ago, I worked at the San Diego Naval Medical Center. I worked for the Department of the Navy and worked in a military environment, so I respected that environment's culture and never outed myself. It wasn't like you couldn't look at me and tell that I had a different gender presentation and so on, but I just never confirmed or denied.

In my old department, we had a mix of civilian employees of varying ages, cultures and ethnicity, and with me there, add in sexual orientation and gender presentation at that time. We also had a generous number of active duty Sailors who worked alongside us. They were young men and women in their mid to late 20's, for the most part....a few a bit older. Those people used to sit around the report table and tell tasteless jokes about women, minorities and gays. I had to sit there and bite my tongue. I thought about speaking up, many times, but held my tongue because it was a military environment and I know that culture very well. I'm a former Woman Marine and I served in a time and place where being a Woman and a Marine, not to mention gay, was hell on Earth.

I did finally out myself to my boss, who was one of the very best bosses I've ever had. He was a very portly (I felt very comfy with this!!) guy with bad knees, a wicked sense of humor, a "feel" for people and a heart of pure gold. He knew how to manage people and he was extremely open minded. The day I outed myself to my boss, I never felt better in my life. The words just kind of came out in casual conversation and they just kept coming. I told him about my life, how I met my beautiful Jan and how we were living together despite the immigration laws against us. Jan was Canadian and had moved down to the States to be with me. We'd been together for about 3 years by the time I had my little talk with Ron, my boss. He understood where I was coming from, and then I began to talk about how the jokes and negative attitudes of my coworkers affected me, being that my sexual orientation was not "straight". I told him that I often sat and wondered if I was the only one at that table who got a sicky, sinking feeling in the pit of my gut when the hate and intolerance was directed at me and "my kind". More than that, I wondered how many of my coworkers felt sad and ill at ease because they might have a GLBTQ friend, brother, sister, maybe even a parent or other family member??

Even more interesting was the thought that some of these folks talking like this might even have tendencies or orientations that they are afraid of addressing in themselves?? Self loathing can take on many forms, you know. I happen to think that someone who might be struggling with their own identity/orientation might find this sort of talk and pack mentality to be very damaging. I'll own having transphobic feelings back in the day, because it hit a bit too close to home for my own comfort at the time, but that's just me. I see the errors in my former ways now and I have owned them and had resolution over the years, but I also see the humanity in the inhumanity, too. Does that make sense??

Nowdays, I call folks out on their hatred/intolerance/biggotry. I let them know that it's not okay. I always mention that someone there, maybe, but not necessarily just me, may have friends and/or family whom they dearly love who may not fit in to what society might expect. Bottom line is...it's cruel, it hurts and in many workplaces, it's illegal and actionable as such. I know in mine it is.

I've transitioned fully now, and I've been told by practically everyone who meets me that they would have never known I was trans unless I outed myself. Well, that may or may not be true, I don't know. I know how many Femmes feel now about invisibility, because I have it now for the first time in my life. I think when you have that invisibility going on, it drives home the point to some of these oafs that they can't always tell by sight who they're talking to...or even about. That in itself, is a bit of a "check" on them. Not surprisingly, I hear about 95% more distasteful, sexist, homophobic, transphobic jokes and remarks. I'm in "the Boys' Club" and, believe me, it's a free-for-all in there. That's why I also know that it's even more important to call people out when they make insensitive, hateful remarks. It's important to let folks know that this sort of thing is not okay. Apparently, they've been given free pass up to now from others who have said nothing, but remained silent and "let it go". That's like condoning it. Same thing. If more folks stepped up and said something, maybe people like your boss would keep their mouths shut.

Anyway, this is my take, but only you know what your work environment is like and how to approach things. I will say that I hope you pull your boss aside and let her know that you, and maybe even more folks who heard her statements, don't appreciate such insensitivity.

Good luck to you.

~Theo~