[Soft*Silver]

My sister is clearing out her country house to sell it. It is where she and her husband and 4 children lived for many years. They recently bought a home in the suburbs and have been living there with most of their possessions. What is left in the old home is alot of "stuff". Well, we all joined in over there today to go thru the "stuff" and sort out who wants what yet, and what needs thrown away.

I cannot believe how much stuff a family can gather in a lifetime. Stuff that went on credit cards. Stuff that they had to have and now sits wadded up and forgotten. Stuff that needs a home so it does not become landfill, yet more than likely, will end up just that.

How sad...and how loud a noise it makes against my universal spiritual shield...you know..the barrier you have up so that you can co exist as a human on a planet you have barely any connection to anylonger. I can feel the implication of all this stuff ramming that shield of mine, wanting to make a dent. I feel torn between wanting that shield to be broken and wanting it to hold up.

I am taking alot of it, because I have very little "stuff" and what I dont want, I am going to sell on ebay. Lots and lots of clothes..clothes that never had the price tag taken off. Lots of make up that never was worn. Lots of jewelry all tangled up in piles.

there was decades of books on working with people who are HIV. My sister is a nurse and a therapist...and together she and I have worked in the HIV community for years. She still does. I do not. But I ached when I saw those books. I remember the history of this disease. I remember losing someone almost weekly from it. I remember the trauma our community dealt with as it exploded all over America. I remember the fear and panic that first came before it moved out of our community and into the culture at large. I thought of the many many many souls we lost way too early...and I realized that the majority of these books are going to be thrown out if I do not salvage them. And yet I dont know if I should..they are mildewy. Who would want them?

I found presents I had given to them over the years. Forgotten. Unwanted. Disregarded. I remember taking such effort to pick out special gifts for them and now they lay lost and discarded in piles on the floor.

and these are not bad people. I consider them pretty average folks. Its just that we accumulate so much stuff...and yet not enough to consider them hoarders. Just enough to feel Americanized. We Americans need to have "stuff".

I am feeling a bit sad by all this stuff...their stuff. My lack of stuff. It makes me want to go out and get stuff just so I can have that feeling of history I felt when i was walking amongst their piles today. My stuff is so limited. I use to have "stuff" but in all the losses, and many moves, I got rid of or lost much of my "stuff". I am "stuff-less" almost. I wonder if I should feel bad or relieved..or both. Both could be true at the same time. Maybe I am just caught in that, like bookends to my feelings.

I have to go back out there tomorrow. My car is loaded from today. I have to take out the stuff I took today so I can get more stuff tomorrow. Then I have to pack this stuff so I can take it with me to my next place..the new old house. So i am packing up my stuff and getting more stuff to pack. It doesnt feel like I should be adding more work to my already full plate.

But I cant let some of this stuff go. Like shovels. And rakes. And sheets and blankets. And lamps. And watches.

You can never have enough sheets. Or lamps. Or watches...or...

I am tired. I am tired of thinking about all this stuff. I am tired of thinking about the family history. I am tired of thinking about who isnt here to be part of this..the ones who died and now we have to go thru their stuff again. Stuff we kept because we couldnt keep them. Their stuff became them to us and now alot of it is in piles and we (my sister and I) both look at it and say nothing. We just look. Our grief process says its ok to let these things go now but then we think, what if we will regret it later? What if the grandkids want some of our parents things? What if we get rid of it and then we cant remember them anymore because we dont have their stuff? My guess is that stuff will get stuffed back into a bag and find its way to our houses.

a family of stuff was my meditation for the day...