[Random]

I REALLY don't have to be friends with people just because we are in the same class.

Monday was the first day to class and I went in at full steam...

Anyone who has ever seen a gemini work a room at full energy knows that it is very rare for people not to have a lovely time...

I went in on full dial for a couple reasons...

To unify a class where former classes had cliqued off very fast.. (small classes, only six or seven people) I had heard from people in the class before me that the trainer had a tendency to reinforce the cliquing by making more of people with med training and sort of not paying attention to people..

I didn't want to experience that... Everyone has strengths and weakness and we all can learn from each other...

The other reason was, I was trying to unisolate myself... I generally don't pay too much attention to my coworkers.. I don't facebook them, I don't exchange phone numbers... Don't really encourage them getting to know me outside of work... I generally eat lunch by myself, go sit in my car at break time... Don't socialize while at work very much...

I find that I'm not lonely by myself, but often find myself feeling lonely when in a group of people....

So...Monday was all high energy, went to lunch with a coworker, gave another one my phone number and offered a ride if needeed(poor lady, her car broke down on the way to work) spoke to everyone, listened to their stories, offered my own... bla.. bla.. bla

Tuesday... Not so high energy.. I had a ocd trigger over med terms... You hand me a paper with a bunch of acronyms on them with no reference paper, no ability to google anything and make it a competion? I'm going to have a bit of an internal melt down... I'm smart, I'm fairly competive and I'm excellent at research... Want to help me feel powerless, stupid and worthless? Don't give me or don't allow me access to the tools I need to answer questions or figure out problems.. Doesn't matter to me if this is just the beginning and you don't expect everyone to know the answer.. I need to be able to feel like I am doing something besides just waiting for other people to answer...

I still socialized and talked to everyone, but I noticed something... The women in the class (there is only one guy and he is very quiet) seem to only want to talk about their kids, husbands/boyfriends, how hard they have to work, how smart and good their kids are (but at the same time saying things like...*oh she is just livid that I'm not going to be able to pick her up from school, her dad always makes her wait.. oh she was telling me I didn't need highlighters because she really wanted two pair of new shoes)

Then I did something that separated myself from the coworker that I went to lunch with the day before... Three of us were outside at lunch and one of my coworkers said we needed to get together and have a girls night... one of them said... You can complain to us about Michele.

I said, I don't do that... I don't gossip and I don't trash talk my partner... If she pisses me off, then I tell her and she either fixes it or we talk about it and I have to learn to deal with it...

*Crickets*

Apparently this is not how it's done...

Apparently you do everything for your family and let them walk all over you and then bitch to your girlfriends about it...

Blink...

Seriously... One woman is still working her overnight job, doing full time training and said today.. *I hope my husband doesn't txt me to drive out to millard and help him with the invoices... I really need to get a couple hours sleep before going to work tonight*

Blink...

So... the rest of the day, no one talked to me too incredibly much, no one included me in break time conversations.. I felt othered and lonely...

So I had to have a conversation with myself... (after coming home and googling the shit out of those med terms... I even had the answers today that some of them didn't... not that they believed me, but I felt vindicated when the teacher confirmed my answers were correct)

Why did it bother me to be singled out/othered/not included?

Herd mentality? wanting to belong?

Yes.....

I wanted, for once, not to be the odd one, not the strange one...

But the truth is, I am odd and I am strange... I have different ideas, I want to talk about different things... I accepted this about myself years and years ago...

Why did it bother me that I wasn't included in their conversations, when they weren't talking about anything I wanted to talk about...

Why didn't I want to talk about what they were talking about?

The answer to that one came like a lightbulb.... These women were validating themselves through their husbands and their kids and how much they sacrified for their kids, husbands, ect.... Not just bragging on them a bit..they didn't talk about themselves, about anything they loved or what made them tick...

I don't do that... I brag on my girl and I brag on my son, but who they are, what they do doesn't have anything to do with me... Their accomplishments are their accomplishments...

I was the only one during introductions who didn't meantion my partner, my kid or our animals... I talked about who I was and why I was there...

Reality check... a couple years ago, I decided that I wasn't going to do the friends just to have friends... That I wanted connection, commonality and real... or nothing at all...

So... Today... I chatted casually with my coworkers but didn't go out of my way to be included .... I went to break on my own instead of waiting for everyone to go out... I ate my lunch and read my book in my car, like I've been doing most of the last 10 yrs...

I didn't feel isolated, I didn't feel excluded and I did not feel lonely at all...

I tried something different and it didn't work..

I'm ok with that...