[Gráinne]

I pulled the Bed of Doom out from the wall to sweep out all the rubbish that accumulates there, and found several plastic boxes of stuff.
Two were souveniers and my teaching things from China, all my lesson plans, it was all there.

The notecards from my Geology of China lesson given to 200 Chinese students, that I wrote in an hour over lunch (I was the only one with any kind of geology knowledge).

The letters from my students, written during the last week.

I even still have the cassette tape I made of their voices; meaning to turn it into a CD. I should take the darn thing to Radio Shack tomorrow, before it gets worn out.

The goody bags from the Chinese airline. I mean, all of it.

And in another tub...all the things from my wedding. The cake topper. Spare programs and invitations. The fan I bought in China and carried. The guest book. Some of the pictures.

It's funny how decisions still reverberate years later. I'd considered living in China, at least for a year, and teaching there. Instead, I stayed in the States and married a kind, yet safe and unadventurous man, and had a safe, unadventurous life in the suburbs for a long time. I have no regrets aside from hurt I caused him or our children.

But if I'd gone back to China, maybe for years, it's unlikely I would have become a parent. I surely would not have come out, at least not when I did, and would never have met my first girlfriend nor many other important people, let alone this site. So, it's not a matter of "did I make a mistake?" but "I made the best decision with the information I had then". Now I feel the winds of change, and the approach of crossroads yet again. This time, I don't have to hide behind someone and let them make my decisions. I'm far more open to life's adventures of all kinds.

But, sitting there amid all that dust and stuff, furniture all pulled out, it was kind of bittersweet. On my wedding day, I felt happy, or at least relieved that I was going to be "settled". It was strange how little I resemble today the smiling woman in the big dress then.