[s0litude]

I'm sitting here, tear-stained face after having just seen my ex. She looks great, dressed well, but she's not healthy or happy inside either. I can see it in her eyes. I know her that well. And while I still hold love for her and always will, seeing her made me realize without an ounce of longing that I do NOT want her back. So WHY does it still hurt so much? What can I do to get through this?

I look on Facebook, see a picture of a rain-soaked rose and the directions to share the image if you have a brother or sister that means the world to you. Kim; my only sister, my older sister, the one who protected me against a woman who was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive-- and at times neglectful, my biological mother; is gone as of January 17th this year. I love and miss her so much, and the reality that she is truly gone comes and goes and eats away at my already fragile heart.

I feel like less of a person and less of what a man is supposed to be-- despite the fact that I am a transman AND content with THIS aspect of myself-- as my ego is crushed because of my medical needs. I am struggling because I am not the strong one this time who others can rely on, but rather, the one in need of help. And I am grateful and blessed that I do have a few good friends who support me and look out for me and don't look down on me when I crumble. I never pretended to be "Superman"; I'm simply "Clark Kent" with good intentions and the willingness to be hurt if needed. So why do I hold myself up to such standards when everyone, everywhere sometimes needs help? Why can't I let go of my ego and be okay with it?

My life feels like a bad country song right now: have to redo my semester because I was in the hospital and will not be able to make up the work in time, lost my girl (time and time again, but this time-- and somewhat thankfully as she was manipulative and abusive-- for good, lost my apartment, my dog and cat, and she has my car.

Needless to say, I'm in a bad place at this moment, and while I know it'll pass and in a few days, my mind will sort through the funk and leave me smiling and hopeful again, I just wish I could be hugged, really hugged-- a real, genuine hug. While online hugs are great reminders that people care and I always value the sentiment, it's the warmth of skin I crave, of a friend or loved one holding me, assuring me that I'm still strong, that I'm going to be okay. I'm normally the one holding others, tightly in along my chest, my lips resting along their brow, stroking their backs, reminding them that life never gives us more than we can handle. Just wish I had a bit of that for myself right now.