Quote:
Originally Posted by femmeInterrupted
Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.
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I'm going to use this photo as a jumping off point, and my (possible) rant is NOT aimed at you, femmeInterrupted. Just to make that clear. Some of my ideas are probably going to be admittedly reactionary.
I've been out of the loop in the Butch/Femme online community for a long time now. I dropped out of the scene after some big online drama on some big other web site. I'm sure a lot of you know what I am talking about. In the spirit of full disclosure, I used to go by the name of musicfemme in old online circles. The name just doesn't fit me as well anymore, so here I am.
I have been desperately wanting to get back into the online community for a while now but haven't known how. I've been wanting to post something on this site about being Femme and what I've been going through in the past few years of my life. The very REAL, and genuine pain I feel around issues of Femme invisibility. I haven't known where to post, or how to do it, and I know most of this conversation took place years ago, but that photo really stuck in my craw and motivated me to finally speak.
When I say I have DESPERATELY been wanting to get back into the B/F online community, I am not overstating my point. I feel literally desperate for Femmes and Butches. I feel desperate and lonely and alone and ripped apart and fucking INVISIBLE. I have been searching for the right thread to reach out because I feel fucking INVISIBLE in my life. That INVISIBILITY is so real and so painful to me, that I read this entire thread fucking crying. That when I tried getting on this web site again, after six months of when I signed up--I cried. It's very emotional for me. You know what? I think it's great that some Femmes don't feel an issue with invisibility--but I do. And it's not because I'm stupid or care too much what other people think--it's because community is genuinely important, and when you literally have none, well talk to me then about what it's like to try and move through the world interacting with hardly anyone who can wrap their mind around who you fucking are.
You want to know why that picture pisses me off? Well, it's because it smacks of blowing off femininity and rendering the feelings of feminine folks, FEMMES, as lesser and less important than other issues. Look, I fully understand that because I am white and feminine and seemingly straight that I get to move in the world in ways that are easier because of those things. HOWEVER, it does not change the reality and validity of anything I feel as a Femme in regards to my femininity and the pain of invisibility. BOTH can exist at the same time. The matrix of power and privilege and opression are complicated things.
Anyway. Yeah, so invisibility can fucking suck. I got to a point in my life where finding real time kinky community was more important to me than anything else. And while, I learned a LOT, and experienced a lot, it really did divorce me from any sort of B/F community. I made the decision to take some time off from being online and really got immersed in BDSM. In a mostly straight community. In a community that wouldn't understand Femme if it bit them in the ass. In a community where "FemDom" is shorthand for "Female Dominant". I'm like, no I am a F-E-M-M-EEEEE, totally different thing. Have you ever tried explaining Femme to completely ignorant folks WITHOUT referencing Butch, Lesbian, Trans, your girlfriend at home, etc.? It's actually very difficult.
Then, THEN, I committed the Femme Cardinal Sin of All Femme Sins. I fell in love with a cis man. Yes, you heard that correctly. And while I love him very much--it has complicated my life and fucked with my head and really served to divorce me from the Femme/Butch community further. I have never felt more invisible in my entire life than I have since I've been with him. It shoves me back in the closet fucking constantly. And as much as he tries to understand Femme, it is NOT the same as the intrinsic understanding that comes from other Femmes, Femme-loving Butches, and Femme-loving Transmen.
Most of the folks in my local kinky community think I am straight and I have given up trying to explain. I feel unwelcome at Queer events because of who my partner is, and it is heartbreaking because HE DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM. Because, you see, I am still a Butch and Transman loving Femme. My identity has not changed because I happened to fall in love with a cis man. I am NOT straight, as some folks like to tell me. I am NOT bisexual (though there is nothing wrong with that), and I am NOT pansexual. Everyone seems to like to tell me what the fuck I am now. I have even more strongly realized that my identity is not dependant on anyone else, and that my sexual orientation towards Transmen (mainly) and also Butches HAS NOT CHANGED. I would most likely never seek out a relationship with a cis man ever again. Which is also not to say I don't fucking love my partner.
But my level of visibility? That has absolutely changed. I am seen as suspect. I am traitor. My feminity less valid, much more easily dismissed. The ironic thing being I am VERY political, out, proud, radical in my femininity and brand of Femme. Yes, I do those things that others have mentioned are not always deemed "acceptable" for Femmes--swearing, kink, fucking, Topping, strapping, and many others. So, I feel fucked six ways to Sunday and not in a good way.
Even though I know exactly who I am, it does get pretty lonely without anyone who can really SEE me. Without community. It's kind of like the tree falling in the forrest thing. I do care to have people in my life who can truly SEE me. Who "get" my gender and my performance and that I don't have to constantly explain myself to. I am desperately lonely and feel torn in two directions and it fucking sucks. My pain in this invisibility I am experiencing is REAL and does not go away just because I am white and I can "pass," whatever that really means. I ABHOR being told I shouldn't be vocal about Femme invisibility because of passing. It hurts. Plain and simple.
Ok, I feel like this post is getting way too long and rambling. I just really feel the need to speak and put my story out there, maybe have some people read it and get some support.