[Nat]

That image above - that really gets under my skin. hmm.

You know, I really don't go around complaining about the invisibility and frankly if anybody paid attention I think my gayness is a bit visible except to the clueless.

However, I'm wondering if the word "invisibility" trivializes the lived experience. Other words I have found apply: on the outskirts, trivialized, not believed, invalidated, not a "real" lesbian, suspect.

Growing up, I knew some lesbians. In fact, my next-door neighbors were a lesbian couple. They weren't butch-femme. If anything, they were more butch-butch looking to my 10 year-old eyes. They used to have other lesbians over and drink beer and talk on their back driveway, the sound of their laughter and comradery were sounds that carried me to the window in the Texas dusk. The seemed to have what it seemed like so many men had - a sort of comradery that I didn't see among straight women. My mom is one of four sisters and they love each other and are very kind to each other. But the way these women related to each other - it was something I wanted very badly with other women and that I didn't see other women having. But that laughter, that kinship always seemed to be in some farther room - inaccessible. At first because I was in the closet, and later because I still wasn't that - type of lesbian who could have that sort of interaction with other lesbians. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to just be a butch among butches. It looks like heaven from the outside. But, I have found something - if not the same type of comradery as my neighbors' 80s get-togethers - amongst other femmes - and even in company of butches and femmes together. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice to be in the company of people who know what the heck a femme is in the first place. There are few really who do know what a femme is - even in the queer world and even if the word "femme" is in the vocabulary.