Andrew, Thank you very much for your post. I have actually experienced the zoning out thing lately. I know it doesn't just "go away".. but part of me wants it to just go away, lol.
Jen, I hope your head doesn't break the phone.. lol (kidding, gallows humer here.) I hope that you get some time out time soon.. I have no idea exactly what you are going through, but if possible, a break from it might help. Even if it's just a little you time in the tub or on a walk somewhere.. My thoughts are with you.
OK, now I want to share what happened last night right outside of my apartment. I'm walking home and I'm half a block away and I see a lot of movement like right in front of my door. I of course go hyper aware and can sense some upset with them.. I get to the door and it's a couple of the homeless guys that hang out at the coffee shop down stairs and some other guy. The other guy is holding his finger. My first thought, "oh shit, i don't need this" but.. being who i am, I ask what's wrong. After a lil evasivness, it turns out, the guy tried to touch/mess with/looked at wrong, one of the homeless men, who promtly slashes his finger open with the blade he always carries.
I go upstairs, get the alcohol, bandages, and some bandage tape and come back down to let the cut guy clean up. The whole time, JC (the guy that cut the other one) is kinda circling and taunting the guy. Long story a little shorter, I think the guy will need stitches and I think JC has a little more respect for me.. lol
All during this, I'm calm, collected.. But another part of me just wanted to shut down and run. I told the cut guy that last week, I helped a guy that almost bled to death, "you may need some stitches, but you aren't going to die. (lower voice) and don't mess with crazy homeless guys with knives," he laughed and calmed down a lot.. He ended up walking away.
I just have to wonder why my Higher Power is setting these things in front of me. I wasn't able to sleep last night until i knocked myself out with nyquil. I've been clean and sober for over a year now and I'm going to pick up my program a bit.. Cause this shit is driving me to want to check out in big ways
Talking about it helps a lot, but it is taking a toll and i can tell.
Love and Light,
Tony