[Canela]

Hi Everyone;

I finally have some time to post again...I have been so busy and truly I have been blessed...so why do the depression symptoms try to rear their ugly head in my life these days?

I've been going thru some bad flashbacks lately, because my ex is trying to convince me that I should be with her/go back to her, all the while I am in love and happy with my hunny...it makes me feel weird and dirty but some tiny lil piece of me is happy that she wants me still. Why do I think that its happy? I think it's just an old and familiar. This relationship was extrememly dysfunctional, it was a TPE relationship without us even being a BDSM couple. I never knew I had given up total power to her. It was the worst 16 years of my life, being treated like a slave with no rights, no say...I don't tell this much because I don't like to revisit it. (It has taken the better part of 6 years to "deprogram" me from this control of hers.) I know its wrong, I know its not an option, going back to her is like taking 1000 steps backwards...and so, I am caught in this sort of auto pilot mode...I keep going thru my days, not always emotionally present and trying not to let this touch me...but it makes for a very difficult moment, then my days are delayed or not as filled because the depression, until I can overcome it and move, takes precedent. I am doing everything I can to push it off me, praying and trusting in God, calling on the holy spirit to inspire and motivate me, energize me and get me out of that place in my head and heart I am at in those moments.

I don't know if this makes sense, I just needed to vent, I needed to share and I needed my friends. I hope you are all overcoming, because we all deserve better. My head and heart and life knows this. But some days, nostalgia gets me and I allow it...damn those bridges of madison county! I need to remember that it's only once a year I'm allowed to do that.

My aunt is doing better, she is in a rehab facility now, my family is wonderful, and my home is all organized and clean and very comfortable. Work is taking a beating with everything I am going thru--have been doing in my personal life--but I am hoping I can get back into my stride and be productive, once again.

Love and blessings to all.

Shug