How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
—Erma Bombeck
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