[sierragirrl]

if i could go back 10 yrs i would.i have learned so many lessons the hard way.sometimes they sink into my noggin sometimes i have to be hit over the head with them..
i would of spent more time with my mother, more loving time with my mother although she smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish i am so glad my oldest doesn't not remember her grandmother that way.
i would have not listened to the family friend that said go look at your mother after she has passed away she will look so peaceful.. yup not so much
i would of managed my money better, left it all in investments had a full time job to live off of instead..although having the money did afford me to stay home and raise my youngest and i was able to make a lot of great memories with my kids and their great grandmother..
i wish i had been raised with better family values, better eating habits.

if i was able to turn the clock back 5 yrs i would do things different. i would of taken it slower, if the fires of 08 didn't happen i would of not needed to be "saved". i would of gotten therapy long before i did i would of not falling into the dark deep hole that consumes me to this day. i isolate myself big time i push people away i crawl inside myself wish people would of just been a little more understanding bi polar sucks and i am bettering myself daily, am i 100%? nope..is anyone ever 100%? i read a really great book on bi polar called the unquiet mind if you love someone who has bi polar plz read this.

if i could turn back time 3 yrs ago to the reunion i would of come way out of my shell and met all you fine folks that were there but i did not i kept myself tucked away.
if i could turn back the clock 2 yrs ago i would..i would change ever having to wear orange and been forced to drink sweet tea <blech> although it was something i will never forget.you being so worried bout me over in my pod me worried about you,seeing you first thing in the morning at med time, me not knowing what was going on..thank goodness all the girls were awesome..

if i could turn the clock back a yr i would do so i would communicate more,loved harder,fought harder,thought before i spoke, and believed more. i would of worked instead of being on call whenever you wanted me to be..i think money comes between people, sickness,rage, addiction comes between people, distance does as well..i wish my ex would of moved over here, to have someone you love close to you, so you can have dinner together, run errands together, to go to the city together spend sometime together.. the every day companionship is what i want..i NEED someone who will be there no matter what cause my ass falls a lot.i can honestly say i have never cheated on anyone i was in a relationship with.
now would i take anything back? sure lots of it. i have gotten to experience a lot of great things,people and places in the past 5 yrs.

i am lucky enough to have had 3 true loves in my lifetime,2 continue to be rocks in my life no matter what i know i can count on them.

all of these lessons make me who i am, i am learning that shit happens for a reason. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?