[Diva]

Good evening, boys and girls.....gather 'round....it's time for yet another story from your Auntie Diva......

Your applause is deafening.

This is the story of my dream......

Now....I must admit, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva cannot share ALL of her dreams with you....oh no, no, no.....but sometimes, you could find your Auntie Diva's "dreams" on the internets. If you find that you cannot get to them, then you have been blocked, boys and girls, and you will have to wait until you are 21, or know how to hack into Auntie Diva's Gateway.

Nevermind.

So.....this is the dream about your Auntie Diva at the Miss America Pageant. I SAID it was a dream, boys and girls.

I have found myself at the Miss America Scholarship Pageant......now....don't let them kid you, boys and girls.....there is no scholarship involved here unless it's a scholarship for bikini design and fire baton.

But in your Auntie Diva's dream, the Master of Ceremonies is Eric McCormack. You remember Mr. McCormack, boys and girls. He was Will of Will and Grace. All I can say is that Mr. McCormack must have a very lame agent, boys and girls, to lasso a gig like the Miss America Scholarship Pageant, that's all I'm gonng say about THAT.

But he was a sweet boy.

For SOME reason, your Auntie Diva was working in a backstage capacity....I'm not sure what I was doing there....but I did manage to go out onto the stage and participate in a dance number with the girls . I know.

I was quite fetching, I must say. I was wearing some long evening gown sorta thing.....and clearly, I had stolen Queen Elizabeth's cape....You know....the red one with the white fur around the edge? Yeah...that's the one.....

There I am, boys and girls.....spinning around on that stage like a whirling dervish. I'm surprised I didn't fall down!

And so here we are....done with the dance.....and off the stage we go.....and the girls are off to change into their bikinis and Mr. McCormack and I hear the cue music for their bikini competition!

What!?!?!?!?!?! What has happened!?!?!?!?!

Mr. McCormack is screaming....."Go talk to the audience! GO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE ....... STALL!!!!"

So there I went.....out onto the stage! Oh yes I did, boys and girls.....mic in hand!

Did I mention there were tens of thousands in the audience? And judges? (One of whom was Fabio, of course.)

So I walk out and say, "I can only imagine your supreme disappointment that I am out here and not the lovely contestants in their bikinis, but Goodyear was fresh out. Yes....I know that many of you out there secretly dream of being in a beauty pageant.....so feel free to live vicariously through me."

I was hysterical.

"But if YOU want to be in a pageant, follow these simple steps, and you TOO can be standing where I am! Here's what You do:

First, wait for all the girls to come backstage. And, as they're coming down the steps in their 4~inch, closer-to-Jesus pumps, casually stretch out your foot <exhibit>....WHOOPS!"

I am happy to report, ladies and gentemen, that Miss Texas will only be in traction for a month or so."

The audience is hysterical, boys and girls. I could smell an Auntie Diva SITCOM......

"THEN....You have a cape made out of some endangered species ~ or, as in my case ~ a very large endangered species.....OR....steal it from the Queen....or A queen...whichever is easiest......and you're all set.

"And lastly....you absolutely need to know and master the parade wave. So....hold up your left hands.....you too, Sir....judges? Don't think you can't learn something....get 'em up! Now do what I do.....

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch the pearls and blow a kiss! And there You have it, ladies and gentlemen! Nice job, Fabio!"

And that was my dream, boys and girls.....your Auntie Diva even woke up laughing this morning! It was choice. It would have been nice to see if I won.....but it was not meant to be, I guess......


Signed,
Queen for a Day, your Auntie Diva