Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybarbara
but the husband changing his name to the wife's is not heteronormative. that's kinda my point. that's really a big fat option that men don't really do very often. and neither do the butches on this board. am I wrong?
I'm starting to feel like I'm speaking Russian here...
people say its just to come together, to have a common bond, a common name. OK. then butches can obviously take femmes names. soooo why is that the much rarer option? hello? if its ONLY a matter of sharing a name, then why is it so rare for butches here to take the femmes name? I'm not buying that "its a common name" is the *only* reason." it is*a* reason, but its not the only one or there would be far more butches with femme's last names.
OK. this was silly to try and come back to. I'm going to turn off phone and sit on hands and go to school.
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I'm not going to speak for anyone beside myself here. There are plenty of butch identified people that have previously posted that they have felt attached to their last name, some femmes like myself have posted that they have little attachment to a last name. My reasons were more than unification of family.
Also, when I may not be able to share biology between my partner and my children. My Society at large will recognize the significance of them
Sharing a name.
Even if my partner holds the tie to his/her last name based in his/her masculinity, that's his/her personal choice. If I choose to give up my last name based in my understanding of my femininity, again choice.
Whether people like it or not, most of our traditional understanding of marriage is steeped in patriarchy and misogyny, but it's still a default social institution
I don't think anyone would deny that there is a trend between masculinity and the desire to keep a last name. I mean, there are many things within the butch/femme community that are based in strong identification with traditional notions of masculinity and femininity. I feel that people like to repeatedly declare "heteronormative" and I feel like this is being used as some kind of measuring stick of feminism. I feel if I make the "societal norm" choice, I get dismissed as being submissive or accepting of some kind of patriarchal influence..
Many of my feminist sisters before me have fought for my rights to choose. Many of my fellow queers have fought for my rights in my country to marry.
My people have fought for my rights to have babies/ not have babies/ fuck /ditch/ marry-- to live my true life. If I choose one that seems "heteronormative"
That's a judgement call placed on me within my own oppressed community. Really folks?
The reality is for some people on these boards, the rights and freedoms associated with marriage are new (especially in the US).You're not going to gain a representative view of trends for years because I would dare to say many of the people who get married right now or have legal name changes are people with strong ties to their feelings around marriage and family and tradition. Also, let's be honest we are all still navigating the waters around legalities behind family and name changes. Some people think that giving butch last names to families especially with children, they ensure more rights in any future court battles. There may be a belief that they will have to fight less against societal institutions if people see them as the traditional society approved type of family.
Lemme just say, no matter how many traditional roles I keep, I'm still queer, still opinionated, still a rocking feminist. I can't toss those away because I'm Mrs. "Xyz", even if I choose to be a stay at home soccer mom. I'm still a queer feminist soccer mom first.
Are these biases right? Not necessarily so. But dialogue to me
Is the first step in developing an understanding. When I am "measured", I don't feel heard. Much like in your previous post, it seems like you feel unheard because butches are not defending their viewpoint (please correct me if I'm wrong).
We are looking at a subcommunity of the greater GBLTQ community --the data and the norms are going to be skewed. It is my hope that we, as a butch femme community, can to allow for different expressions of masculinity and femininity without dismissing them as heteronormative.