It’s not like it has eluded me that most of the masculine identified people on this thread want to give their name and most femme partners, who want to change names, want to take their masculine partner’s name. No real surprise there. And it’s not likely to change any time soon. If ever. But it’s still a good idea to bring it out in the open and look at it. I doubt it’s going to make any difference to anyone in regards to whether they change their name in marriage or whether they take their femme’s name or give their name to their femme partner. Nor do I see it as a condemnation of anything at all. What I see it as is self examination. The checking and examining of motives and beliefs and seeing where they may or may not come from.
I always talk about holding my masculinity suspect and examining myself for possible misogynistic ideas and behaviors. This is what I mean. We, and by we I mean everyone who lives in a patriarchal society, have internalized to some degree the belief that masculine/male/man is superior to feminine/female/woman. It would be a feat of Herculean proportion not to have. There is no crime in that. The problem to me is that we often refuse to examine ourselves and drag this shit out into the light and shake it off. Washing off patriarchal shit is a lifetime job. I don’t get defensive. I can’t help the world I developed my sense of self in. What I can help is how much of this crap I continue to carry. I can marry and change my name in marriage or give my name in marriage without falling pray to heteronormative ideals. I can even change my name Miss Tick on the Planet because it’s more feminine than I feel comfortable with without losing my feminist card. Masculinity is difficult to hold honorably in a society who uses it as a weapon to control women. To me in order to do this I need to hold myself accountable and I need to be willing to check myself for unconscious misogyny. And because i am a woman who identifies deeply with her masculine side does not mean i am not still a woman who pays a high price living in a misogynistic world just like all women do. But often I have to put that aside because I carry masculinity as an identity and I partner with women. I cannot let the idea that I am also a woman stop me from holding myself accountable and examining myself for my motives when indulging my masculinity. I like to swing my dick around as much as the next guy so to speak. I have to catch myself and see if it's really just all in good fun or if I am perpetuating some misogynistic bullshit.
Anyway back to marriage and name changing.
Looking at this issue openly and honestly and examining it from every angle doesn’t ultimately mean I can’t give Truly Scrumptious my name if we decide that’s the way we want to go. It just means that I have taken the time to examine and understand the possible issues going on behind my choice. And I’m speaking for myself here. I’m not saying anyone hasn’t examined their choices and looked at the misogyny inherent in those choices. I’m just saying looking and understanding the history, meaning and misogyny behind name changes for women who marry doesn’t mean it’s a wrong choice for you. Or that it means you are aping heteronormative relationships if after examining this you still chose it.
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