[JustLovelyJenn]

sometimes this thread just opens up my internal thought valves.

my mind lately is always on 10 or 12 different things.

i am thinking about my work. i love my job, but i know i need to go back to school to keep going. i am very quickly leaning towards a degree in special education. there is so much i can do, such an impact to be made on these amazing children. but then the question becomes school. i cant go to school here. there isn't a college within commuting distance that offers the programs needed. if i move, i have two choices. leave my children here with their grandparents, or try and do it all on my own. a single mother working full time, going to school full time and trying to raise two children, one with autism. that just doesn't seem fair to them, not if i have any other options. i hate to leave them again though. i let their father take them when i was in school before. i got the credits needed to start working at the schools and got them back. can i really do that again? go back to being a weekend mom? its a lot to think about, and i have about a year to decide.

next is money, of course, money is always there. i have a ticket to pay off. that is becoming my number one priority as of my next paycheck. no more extras. pay the bills, cover the kids, buy my morning coffee. no more. period. i need my license back and my car up and running. being able to dive where i want, when i want has become increasingly more important. there are certain things in my life that i can not leave at the mercy of others. small and important people that i need to be able to see much more often.

my music is there, and also weighing heavy on my mind. i am writing again. and i have learned a few things about myself. the first one is i have really not given myself credit enough for my talent. i really can sit down and write a song in a week. im a lyricist. i write words and melodies. the second thing i learned is that i am a project writer. i have been very hard on myself in the past for the dry spells i sometimes go through. but i realized this last week its not that i cant write, its just that i didn't have a reason. when someone comes to me out of the blue and asks for my help, armed with their ideas, i can write anything.

also on my mind right now is friendship. i listen to people define friendship to me. each persons definition is different. and i hold each of my friends accountable to their own personal ideas of friendship. however, i have one friend in particular right now who i feel is not meeting their own expectations of being my friend. i know how important friends are to this person. i know many of their friends, and some of them i hope, consider me a friend as well. why then is it that i am being so neglected? they haven't finished a conversation with me in a week, they seldom answer my txts and have not answered my phone calls. when i gauge this behavior with what they have told me about friendship, i am very sadly forced to admit that maybe possibly, they don't want to be my friend at all. that hurts. more then everything else that has happened, that hurts me. i hope this is not the case, and that something else is going on, but whatever is going on, a friends who swore they did not want to cause me any more pain, is doing just that. hurting me even worse then in the past by ignoring and neglecting our friendship.