Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire
I think that talking about warning signs of abusive relationships could also talk about patterns instead of just "what to look out for to avoid an abuser". It helps to also think about yourself in this pattern.
For example: What about warning signs within you? If you've been in a few abusive relationships, how do you change? Do you notice that as soon as you get into certain relationships that your behavior becomes something you don't feel comfortable with or don't recognize? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you never would all in the name of "love"? Does the person you're with perpetuate and encourage this?
I think it's just as important for targets of abuse to look at their own behavior. This is something I have been doing intensely for the past year. For example, when someone is not angry and everything is going fine and suddenly, just from one 30 second exchange, they're snapping at me, I freeze. I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I'm stunned into silence. My brain is whirling. I don't know what to do. It's called selective mutism and it happens to me because sudden displays of anger are terrifying to me.
As a child I would often be scolded, reprimanded, shaken, smacked, and verbally abused because I couldn't pay attention or because I had unknowingly said or done something socially inappropriate. Now, when it happens to me as an adult, my child-self still responds by shutting down. This is something that I am in control of and can work to fix.
If I am able to successfully fix this by trying to talk to the person calmly and ask them to explain what I've done to offend them or speak up for myself if I'm certain I'm being spoken to an inappropriate way, it will go a long way in my not just "going along with something" because I lack the social skills to know if this behavior is inappropriate or not.
I'm a very diplomatic person. I like to talk things out and break everything down step-by-step so I clearly understand what it is that triggered or upset my partner so I don't end up inadvertently repeating the same mistake. While some people do not like to be this specific, my new "dating rule" is this: After a few months of dating, the person will have to understand that this is the only way I can connect my behavior with their reaction.
If the person I'm seeing can't help me do that, we can't see each other. I will not again be with somebody who does not have the patience to do this. In making this decision, I am saying that being with someone with low patience, who doesn't believe the way my brain works, or who has a serious temper is not the right type of person for me. That way, it takes the "abusive" title off the person and just puts it on the behavior/interactions.
Looking at our own defenses and the way our bodies and brains are responding to the people we date can also be a good warning sign. Our gut instincts are telling us something. If we are constantly being triggered by a partner, we can use it as a chance to grow in therapy but continuing in the relationship is probably not the best idea.
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I have been thinking about this post and I am not really sure if I have any answers for ME or anyone else. I am going to try and explain what is working for ME.
I have now made a rule that whomever I am to date, if I date anyone again, they will know that I need to be able to resolve conflict. It is a mutual thing, one person doesnt get to say ok I have said what I need to say its done and walk away. Im just as important and I need to be able to voice what and how Im feeling about whatever issue has come up.
I am willing to have time so long as its a set time. I need to be able to get answers not just questions.
It is hard for me not to put the other person first and Im working on that. I have found that I do this way to much and I get left out in the cold so to speak.
I have tried to have "I feel" talk and some how it gets all twisted around to where its all about them and how IM doing xyz to them and how Im doing so and so to hurt them. To me communicate is the key.
Im a talker maybe too much but at least Im not holding it in and making anyone guess what is going on. I know I will shut down when I try to talk to who Im dating and repeatedly get told NOT now. I have asked many times for us(whomever I was dating at the time) to lets make time for said conversations only to be told over and over again that they didnt want to talk about it it wasnt important to them to just drop it. I can tell you that if there is an issue with one person in the relationship there is an issue with both ppl.
Im working on figuring out how to approach subjects with whomever Im with. Let me tell you that is not easy.
I know that I must respect them and their wishes however my needs need to b met also.
I need to sometimes put me first which is like telling the sun NOT to shine during the daytime. Funny we cant tell the moon that we can see it during the day and nite. I dont see myself as the moon it isnt all about me but I want to be the sun and shine when its time and I want whom Im with to be the sun also when its their time to shine.
I am trying to take the target off me my KNOWING who and what I want what I am and am NOT willing to do in a relationship this is a huge step and I hope I can and will be able to take it in time