[Gemme]

Okay, let's talk.

Why do you exercise?

Health? Vanity? Doctor threatening you? Parents/friends/lovers threatening you? A fetish for stinky, sweaty people? A fetish for spandex? Are you stalking a regular gym-goer?

For me, I have to bribe myself because the 'doing it for own health' thing doesn't work. I have to say 'if I do this, I can do or have this' or I have to play games with the competitive part of myself and see if I can best my last performance or go a longer distance.

Now, with my little 'friend' that never quite seems to go away, it's different. It feels like a chore, especially when the first 15-20 minutes of every workout is for the sciatica. It takes that long for my muscles to loosen up and for the discomfort to subside. Also, the physical benefits diminish shortly after the workout is done, usually within an hour I'm back in discomfort mode. It's not fun and creates the mindset of 'why bother?', which is frustrating.

I can be very good at debating and it gets super frustrating when it's myself that I'm debating against because I know all of my tricks and I wind up at a stalemate.



So I have to make myself go nowadays. It's not a 'want' anymore. Even in the middle of the workout, when the endorphins are starting to slink in the back door, it's just not fun anymore.

So, does it still benefit me to do these workouts or does the mental and physical battle deplete the overall benefits?

Sure, I burn calories and it helps keep the munchies at bay. I admit that and I do like that. I just wish I could get control of my physical self. I used to feel sympathy for those who I knew were struggling with chronic physical issues but having shuffled a mile in those shoes, I realize that on my best imaginative day, I was nowhere near close to feeling how draining it truly is. Physically. Emotionally. Psychologically.

This stuff beats you down from the inside out, especially when you are doing all of the 'right' things and progress is slow or non-existent. 'Why bother' comes as easily as breathing now.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because today was a better day.

I struggled with the decision to go but I did. I had annoyances once I got there (woman directly behind me on her cell phone and complete inaction on behalf of the staff to correct the issue once I brought it to their attention, for example) but I dealt with it. Literally. I dealt it. I can't say it smelled but I mentally aimed it her way and I hope that she received my gift loud and clear. Well, not loud. But clear. I hope it was clear.



Anyway, I found a new machine that is in line with an air vent and is on the edge of the span of blades on a ceiling fan and had a good workout without feeling like I had heat exhaustion.

Random program: levels 3-8.
Stats: 368 calories, 3.33 miles, 65 minutes
I walked on an incline for all but 2 minutes. For 2 minutes, I ran at a moderate pace of 5.0 mph.

All in all, a good day. A victory for me and my body.