[dixie]

Originally Posted by JediMaster

Today was a rough day. I did many things I don't normally do. My roommate who is in wheelchair had a rough day where her chair died. i rescued her. Why am I the rescuer for so many....including an ex who really hurt me to my core?

Hmm... I guess some of us just have a tendency to fall into that rescuer mode. I know I have played rescuer on many occassions, even when 9 times out of 10 i couldn't even rescue myself.


As for mental illness itself, most people know me and know what I have been through the last couple years. I've always (as far back as I can remember) struggled with mental illness, eventhough I never really knew that's what my problem was. I just thought I was a bad person who gave in to some promiscuity, drained my bank accounts, lived dangerously and impulsively, and just in general made bad choices. In April of 2008, after being in a "bad" relationship, I had yet another run in with the "s" word. (Suicide.) I ended up in the psych ward for a few weeks. That's where I learned that I had a laundry list of previously undiagnosed mental health issues, the main being Bipolar. I was shocked to learn that this illness had been a major factor in all those "bad" decisions I had made in my life. I was started on medications and thanks to group and individual therapy I began learning how to cope.

I returned to work but had to see a therapist and psychologist at least 3 times a week, since I was newly diagnosed. My employer was very generous and understanding in the beginning, or so I thought. A couple months later, I received a call at home from the main optometrist in the office I worked at. I was told this: "We have tried to be understanding of your illness but it just isn't working out. Don't bother coming back to your job, you have already been replaced." Wow.. I had only had one day off that week, so it made me wonder how long they had been looking for my replacement.

Losing my job meant losing the excellent insurance benefits that came with it. I was really worried about how I was going to continue treatment. Luckily, I discovered a nonprofit mental health facility in my hometown. I began treatment there, which was really great. They handled my therapy, my medications, and also assigned me an "advocate" who helped me in day to day living, so to speak. Things were looking up. I had a few setbacks, but things were finally evening out. Then the inevitable seemed to happen...

I have had no treatment or medication since June of 2009. The nonprofit facility shut its doors due to an employee embezzling all of their funds. I went to my weekly appointment to find a note taped to their door, explaining the situation. No apology. No referrals to other agencies. Nothing. There have been no other services available in my area. (A very rural area.)

I have tried as recently as two weeks ago to see if any new services have come available. Two Fridays ago I went to our county's health and social services offices. They were really friendly until I asked about mental health services. I was promptly "shoo'd" out of their offices. I guess mentioning mental health to them equates to "omg, a raving psychotic maniac in our presence".

I'm not quite sure what to do now. I've been trying to train my mind with the exercises I learned in the hospital and from tips I've learned while researching online. I admit that I am doing better now than I was this time last year, but I still need help. I have days when I can't get out of bed. I have days when I have "awakened" from a "trance", and felt pain in my arm. I look down at my arm to realize that I had been digging my fingernails down my inner forearm until the skin is hanging, and blood dripping. I have days when I am so manic that I literally want to pull my hair out strand by strand, because I am so anxious and my mind will NOT stop! Luckily, the "s" word hasn't creeped up on me in months. Even that small step is momentous to me, because I have been attempting suicide on different occasions since age 10. (The first attempt that I remember.)

I have so many symptoms, so many phobias, so many "hang-ups". And as of this year I can add hallucinations (auditory and visual) to the list. I'm scared. I know what I am capable of if left to my own devices. I know I need help and treatment. But unfortunately, it's just not available for me right now. I am lucky, however, that I have a very good support team made up of friends and family. If it weren't for them, I know this road would be even more challenging.