[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm a 45 year old femme. I live in western Canada, presently. Lower middle class up bringing. Back ground in monogamy, non-monogamy and poly. I generally only date butches (mostly those who are on some scale of genderqueer, including butches who are women *and* another gender)

I was brought up with people experimenting sexually with friends, and sometimes those freindships turned into relationships after a time. That was seen as "normal".

When I stopped dating men and bisexual women and started dating butches my whole world was turned upside down with how "conservative" it was, even in comparison to my "straight" relationships with men. I found lesbian communities and butch-femme dyke/queer communities tended to be far more conservative in terms of monogamy than when I was dating men and bisexuals. I had zero understanding of the rituals.
Everything moved much too fast for me but I tried quite hard to fit in. After all, that's what dykes do, right?

I find the butches (locally, like between here and seattle) who are between say 33 and 40 to be actually pretty relaxed in terms of not rushing into things and being ok with dating casually and having sex in a less ... Ownership... (Not in the fun kinky way)... Kind of way. They seem to get the pace a bit more. I tend not to date people fresh out of relationships because they tend not to have gotten a sense of themselves again yet and still act in that "relationship" kind of way almost right off the bat. Like their gears haven't changed yet.

Once I start dating above the age of 40, I find it splits into two camps - ones who are terrified of commitment cause they got married to a complete asshole for 8 years, and those who seem to need monogamy off the bat from the word go, and are really suspect that if I don't want monogamy for the word go, then it means I don't like them enough and that I'm shagging everything I come in contact with.

Obviously not everyone thinks that way, as masterfulbutch has explained. But the assumption that I'm a dirty game playing skank because I'm cautious and I like sex seems really unfair and frankly, kind of insulting.

Over the past three years, when I have actually really, really liked someone, I don't tend to seek out new people to date but I don't like making a commitment just yet either. So I don't offer monogamy. But I don't *know* if I really really like someone unless I get to know them.

I also *dont* like doing really romantic stuff when I'm getting to know someone. That feels far too emotionally familiar to me. Since I am also perfectly capable of fun and casual sex, I also like to make sure that we click in bed, without making promises (commitment aka monogamy).

I think this is where I may diverge from many. I don't do deeper BDSM edge play in casual getting to know you sex. I know that for many of the people I date that a) they have difficulty with sex and gender and therefore they need greater trust with sex, thus to them it's a bigger deal with greater intimacy attached to it and b) bdsm (and often coming to grips with being genderqueer/butch is also being introduced to them by someone who *finally* understand that hidden bit they had to hide from their last gf/wife who hated it) is brand new and *very* challenging to their ideas that have always secretly clashed with "don't hurt women" ethos, so they never acted on.

So I think that makes certain acts a far "risker" and "intimate" thing off the bat for them then it does for me. But then I'm also an open book and can easily talk about being an ex sexworker, have a past with sex, drugs and rock and roll (lol tongue in cheek), and I don't find that it requires much emotional "risk" to talk about these things, that are, for many, a big risk to them.

I respect their feelings around that, trust me. I usually date and partner with die hard introverts with brains the size of watermelons who over think everything lol but keep things very close to the chest, though they are sociable.

I do find certain types of introverts are actually more gentle and open with allowing me the space I need to emotionally get to the point of being ok with monogamy. Others, the ones I tend to get kind of freak out by with pressure and feel very choked/squeezed by are the ones who want to start all the romance from the first step. Perhaps that's part of the problem as well. They like discovery through romance, and I'm more of a discovery through humour and frontal lobe kind of person. Someone giving me a bouquet of flowers on the first date will freak me out, not endear me.

Maybe I'm just a shitty romantic, but I think I like to save the deeper feelings and really deeply romantic things for when I can trust someone... And that trust comes in layers and pieces. Being ok with someone taking me out for an ice cream and sitting in the park holding hands is a WAY WAY bigger deal to me than getting-to-know you sex. And I feel really uncomfortable about allowing someone in that far (ice cream and hand holding in the park) before I've had exploratory sex with them first.

Most butches - though not all, obviously or I've never of had a relationship in my life and I've had seven long term ones from the age of 14 until now - don't like this progression because it seems for them, sex is a bigger risk because of the dislike of being touched by people in the first place (the ones I date at least), the trouble they have with trusting people before having sex because of gender issues, and the thought that they *want* romance from the get go.

The femmes I have dated and the femmes I have had sex with and the femmes that openly hit on me are far more sexually forward (probably cause they've had to learn to be with being invisible and all) and far more "let's jump in the fart sack now and see what happens later" and seem to be less concerned about commitment and tend to have the attitude of "if we are the best match for each other, we will find that out naturally and it will be obvious as it goes along" they are more "happy if it turns into a relationship, and it's ok if it doesn't"

But then the femmes I have slept with and dated have all be very *very* extroverted so who knows if that's a consideration as well. May or may not be. They also tend to not have much gender issues with being the owner of a cock. As in, they have one in their head, not just strapping on.

They also have been "gentleman femmes" in the sense of being studs on the inside and feminine on the outside and not into butches as they think that would be sexually same-same.

Again, it's just been my observation. I'm quite happy to be wrong on my anecdotal observations and generalist ideas.

I also tend to meet far more "old school" butches and post modern femmes. So that might have something to do with it as well. The trans guys and transmasculines I've met seem to be a bit less monogamy from the get go as well and a bit more post modern about it all but that could be just that I meet those guys through my friends and kinky events than on line.

Why don't I meet butches that way? At those same events? Cause the butches at those events that are Dominants tend to be married to their primary partner with one or two play subs already and I'm not really up for being a third. I'd much rather just meet someone who'd like a primary partner or monogamus partner (I am fine with either. I know that bends some people's brains but thing about it as being kind of the same as being bisexual but in a poly/mono kind of way. I'm happy in either situation, both are fine to me) than to become another where there is no possibility for a primary relationship.

There was someone, Dapper, but as of last night that's been nixed. But this issue will come up again as it has many times in the past. I really wish there was some kind of way around this issue with people because many of them are really worth while folk that I think are really incredible. But if I feel like my independance is being squelched, my sex drive evaporates completely and I don't want someone touching me. I will actually shrink from it. I get turned off, horribly. If someone gives me my freedom and allows me to slowly make a choice then they become sexier and sexier. It shows me a kind of confidence I find horribly attractive and incredibly sexy.

Kind of like the difference between someone telling me they are intimidated about having sex with me (it happens. Too often) and someone saying "hey, I may not know wtf I'm doing the first few times I try something new, but goddamn after some practice, baby, I'm going to be the best shag you ever had"

Mreow.

But then maybe I just like cocky.

And I'm guessing my wanting to have what I see as freedom to slowly make a choice (as they are!!!) is seen as hurtful Game Playing, just like I can't help feeling my sex drive evaporate by feeling controlled by a stranger.

I dunno, there must be some kind of middle ground.