[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

So, it comes down to how close the person is to what I am looking for and if they are going in the same direction as me.

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I too find that if I date outside of my kink circles or kink oriented people, I will tend to feel trapped, caged, and sufficated and I tend to feel this way with all gender types.. I have felt it while dating feminine folks, masculine folks.. People who aren't into the kink dynamic who I have tried to date have a tendency to get all like this is my property kinda like.. That kinda shit makes me run for the hills, it's not natural, it's scary, and it feels unhealthy to me...

*snip*

Why sex changes things into some weird it's "Mine" Nemo seagull mentality I will never ever understand, and frankly want no part of!!!

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Sometimes, it was me that jumped in too fast and sometimes it was a partner that seemed to push. The main point i would like to make is this....everyone has different ideas of what a "relationship" or "dating" should be. When i meet someone new and we date, to me that it is just dating. Dating is dating. Discussion can be made at some point on the monogamy part. This is the time we try each other out, the mental connection, culturally, spiritually, physically. Even if i am monogamous, it's not set in stone i will be there long term, forever type stuff. Again, this is *my* definition of dating.

This is where i feel at least in some of my past relationships, communicated or not, it has been a real problem. Some will see monogamous dating is "forever and a day" some won't. I see it just as dating and that's it. Thankfully, a few of my exes agreed with that and we continue to be friends, no matter which of us broke it off. But, i've found that even if you discuss this at the beginning, there are problems later if the other person does not share your views 100%. You can't know for sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone until you've known them a long time and been around them a lot. That's how i feel anyway.

Bottom line for me Communication is the key. Discussing what dating means specifically, monogamously or not, deeply with each party involved will make it easier in the end, if there is one.

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

So far the differences that can throw people are:

When to be monogamous
When to be romantic
What is romantic
How/when to have discussions about the above
What does dating mean

Also, Kelt said:

If I showed up with flowers I'd...

1. scare off Cupcake

2. piss off Martina

3. get a date with Sleepy

...which cracked me up.

All of these posts lend to my philosophy in some way.

For me, it's archery. You shoot your arrow and I shoot my arrow and sometimes they wind up in the same circle and sometimes they wind up on separate targets altogether.

Pinkie Pie is correct: communication is key. Not everything can be worked out. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen. But most things can be worked out with time and patience and open and honest communication.

I am a 40 year old femme. I am stone. I am a girl. I am multi-faceted and each part of me offers a new angle to the same perspective.

I've dabbled in poly and it's not for me. I was the one brought in and I was the one that developed a weird jealous attachment thing so I was the one to withdraw myself from the relationship. I felt that Nemo "Mine!" thing and it was inappropriate given the situation. It was best for all involved for me to step back and I learned a very important lesson. It's also part of why I tread carefully when it comes to trusting someone when they are dating others.

I personally have an abundance of trust issues and even though I know my intentions when I say I want to have free reign without guilt when dating others I don't what a potential partner's intentions might be. Again, this is where time and patience and communication would come into play.

I'm somewhere between the kiddie pool and the riptide....maybe around the 4 ft mark in a standard backyard pool....when it comes to kink but I also require someone who at least has an interest in it and a base knowledge of it. When partnered with someone who don't have either, I feel small and like I am being emotionally restricted. I will not tolerate emotional suffocation, even if it's unintentional.

So, to get back to the core topic....I consider dating to be when people go on dates. Dating does not automatically mean monogamy. I do not expect someone I just started dating to be monogamous with me. It soothes my ego and some health concerns but it's not expected.

I prefer the option of us being free to date others until we.....as a unit....decide to become monogamous. There are many factors that would come into play before that could/would happen. There are levels of trust that must be reached and there are triggers/issues/et cetera that must be brought out of the shadows and dusted off.

At this point in my life, I would like to have someone important. Someone to call when I bump my head. Someone to put on the forms as an emergency contact.

BUT

I cannot live with someone. Nope. Not going to happen. Like cupcake, I'd be fine with being with someone who lives in the same building....preferably on a different floor and not directly above or below me....or maybe on each side of a duplex. I am crazy rabid possessive of my space. I've continually had my personal space torn up/dispersed/sold/emptied/moved/etc ALL OF MY LIFE. Those issues are far too deep-seated to shrink wrap now and are NOT going to change.

I think that I would enjoy drawing out the process more now. Be it courting or dating or romancing or separately cohabitating, I am not in the rush that I was before. I've taken time for myself and feel that I've pulled myself farther from the serial monogamist wormhole that I've found myself sucked into time after time.

Speaking of romance and old school type behaviors, it's not so bad. Not when it's done on the subtle side of things or even nonchalantly and naturally. When it's done with a flourish, as in "look what I just did for YOU!", it's bullshit and it smells like it. I'm majorly put off with most grand gestures.

I'm all about the details. Tell me all of your stories. The stupid, the adorkable, the sad and forlorn....everything. I want it all.

The Mother Monster said it best:

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love
Love, love, love I want your love

I want to discuss everything that would affect the outcome of the relationship fairly soon. The boundaries...sexual, physical, emotional...the triggers....the shadow issues. The likes/dislikes....what does your day off look like....what is your typical energy level....what makes you tick....what ticks you off....et cetera.

The more I know about you, the safer I can feel around you. The safer I feel, the more open I can be. The more open I am, the more trust you earn. The more trust you earn, the more vulnerable I am. It's a frightening thing to expose yourself and all of your quirks to one another.

Actually, at this moment, semi-casual sex doesn't sound so bad.

Oy.