[nycfem]

I'm a 42 year old femme paired with an almost-59 year old butch (17 year age difference). We've been together 10 years, have lived together in small quarters almost that long, and are very happy together. When we first met at a mutual friend's birthday party, we had immediate lust. In two weeks BB was saying hy was in love with me. That sent me into a panic and I broke up repeatedly and dated other people. BB also ultimately wanted monogamy, and I didn't know if that would work for me. BB got sick of the drama from me and decided to stop all contact with me. This was helpful as it gave me time to think about what I wanted over the course of months. I decided that I did want a relationship with BB and announced that I was ready for a real commitment with an eye towards the long-term. BB was like (paraphrasing), "My friends think you're a crazy bitch, but what the hell, you're cute, and I'm still in love with you so let's go for it." I lived up to my promise and both of us feel that all's well that ends well.

BB said hy was totally into monogamy and private kink. I was more into poly and swing kink. BB said that it was fine if we wanted to come up with some kind of compromise, that hy didn't want to stifle my identity and that we could find some kind of arrangement that both of us were comfortable with. Ultimately I just decided to go with the monogamy because it seemed like such a drag to have to process which would have been necessary if we wanted to go with these two different ways of life. It felt like it would be like raising a kid with two different religions, a little complicated and possibly creating a distance between us. The one thing I did negotiate was that I didn't want to drop my flirtatious personality, and that was agreed upon.

We both struggled with how to romance each other. Early on BB bought me some very traditional expensive pieces of jewelry, and it made me very uncomfortable. Besides my HK engagement ring, I didn't want what reminds me of the trappings of traditional cis-het romance. I hate flowers. When you get flowers, you suddenly have work to do (water, a vase, petals dropping as they rot). I don't eat chocolate, and everyone gets me chocolate. It's an easy gift that people give all the time. At least chocolate is easy to regift! I also struggled with how to romance BB. For hys birthday I used to get expensive concert tickets and weekends away for us that I couldn't afford. It was very stressful for me. I didn't share these feelings, and I felt it was what I should do. Luckily out of the blue BB told me that hy didn't need these grand gestures and that small meaningful gestures and even just time together was what mattered. That was a relief.