[Cin]

Originally Posted by Ascot

In my initial post used I "woman" and "female" interchangeably, and that was probably a mistake or at least misleading. I understand how that might seem strange to some, because after all, aren't they ostensibly the same thing? For me that's not necessarily the case. Maybe it breaks down along sex/gender lines. I identify my gender as Butch and that is considerably rooted in masculinity, even within the parameters of my definition of it which includes the word "female". I sometimes refer to myself as a guy, "one of the guys" "a boys' night out", etc. I consider myself a bachelor and want eventually to be a husband. While I have no desire whatsoever to be male and I don't grapple with body dysmorphia, my presentation is decidedly masculine of center. I think that's why the occasional, out of the blue reminder of my femaleness can catch me unawares even as I continue to be involved with women's causes.

I have heard people identify with their sex but not with their gender in that they understand themselves as female but don't feel like a woman. They see themselves as one of the guys and talk about their butch brothers and such. I have also heard people who easily identify as female and as a woman albeit a masculine one. They don't embrace their masculinity as being necessarily male and don't see themselves as a dude. They are comfortable with being a woman and believe they just do woman differently and that's only because of society's rigid definition of how being a woman looks.

I guess I am a bit of a hybrid. I always identify with and am aware of my sex and gender. I am happy and proud to be a woman and to be female. I also don't mind being seen as one of the guys. I don't like male pronouns only because it feels erasing. I am a she and hanging on to my femininity has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. It always feels like people push you into choosing sides. Either you are male or you are female. If you present as masculine you need to turn in your female card at the door. I am a masculine woman but I'm not a guy. Yet I'm not uncomfortable being very masculine. It is who and how I am.

Ascot, you mention your presentation as decidedly masculine of center. I guess if center is a neutral presentation and one side is feminine and the other masculine then I too am decidedly masculine of center.

But I think it is difficult to tease masculinity away from male and femininity from female. I try to do it by identifying my masculinity as being female masculinity which I see as markedly different from the male variety. However society is not really capable of separating masculinity from male thus the hostility and hatred a masculine woman can experience from some people by just simply being. Often I'm initially seen as male but upon further examination something about me sounds an alarm, I don't know perhaps it's my breasts , but something gives me away as a usurper, a pretender. And that makes some people very angry. They act as though I am trying to fool them into believing I am a man, which is pretty much the last thing I am trying to do.

Yet I can't deny I do enjoy and identify with much of what is considered male. If I just simply walked like a guy for example I could put it down to an issue with my mobility. But it's much more than that. So for lack of a better word to explain myself I say masculine but i put the qualifier female in front to separate myself from man/male. But I do enjoy being one of the guys, somebody's butch brother and indulging in the occasional boy's night out. In that way it would be easy for me to say I see myself as female but I don't identity as being a woman...

...except of course I do. When I was younger how I would to try to explain these contradictions was to blame the confusion on society's definition of a woman. And I believed I could open up this definition to allow for me, I just had to keep pushing against the boundaries. I don't feel I need to open up the definition of what it means to be a woman to include me anymore. I believe it is both impossible and unnecessary because I am a woman. That is not open for debate, although you might think it could be to hear how society decides what my masculine appearance means. Regardless of what society thinks, I am a woman and I don't need to change or open the definition to include me. It already includes me and it always has. Which is why I have decided to stop acting like I need to change something about what it means to be a woman to allow for the likes of me. It already does allow for me since I AM indeed a woman. To behave as though something about woman needs to change for me to be one is just buying into society's gender insanity. What needs to change is society's gender insanity. And what I would need to do is change society's belief that woman does not include the likes of me. And that is a fool's game. I don't need permission to be a woman. I am a woman. So I will just reach out and take that definition thank you very much. I can't change the world by getting caught up in it's delusions.

I see it kind of like insisting I am a dancer to a group of dancers whose dance is defined by moving around gracefully in step with each other and in sync with the music, when my dance consists of my jumping all around while gesturing wildly and listening intently to music only I can hear. This group of dancers would feel justified in the belief that I am not a dancer. I would be hard pressed to convince them otherwise. This might not feel good to hear but the real tragedy would be if I let them convince me not to dance or if I spent my life trying to get them to see the merit in my dancing. Better that I just continue to move to the beat of my own drummer dancing in my own way and finding others who hear my music and joining with them in our own expression of what it means to be a dancer.

I have always looked masculine. It's in the way that I walk, talk, or interact with the world around me. I don't chose it, I certainly don't encourage it, neither do I discourage it. It just is. I haven't tried to pump it up or tone it down. I may have a bit of body dysmorphia although as I age i don't find it quite as distressing as it used to be. It's always been that what I see in the mirror does not reflect my idea of who I am. But I imagine a lot of people can say that for a variety of reasons. When I get all duded up and look in the mirror it is always a tad jarring. I'm like oh ya, breasts, damn what are they doing there, spoils the whole look. So perhaps in that way I am consistently surprised by being a woman. But I never forget I am a woman and female and damn happy to be so. I think the surprise comes when i am forced to confront how my idea of who and what a woman is differs greatly from what society has deemed a woman to be. Then I am confused and uncomfortable because that is not who I am.

I don't know it seems like the more words I use the less clear I am.