My father's favorite sayings -
Jesus H. Christ – (As a kid i assumed H was Christ's middle initial and I asked my father what his middle name was and he said Hallowed. I remember thinking that was an odd name.)
Bob's your uncle
i don't give a flying fuck
why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut
(Apparently, "flying fuck" is a very old expression dating back to about 1800. It originally appeared in a "broadside ballad" called "New Feats of Horsemanship" describing a sex act done on horseback.)
It's like pissin into the ocean to bring in the tide
pissin in the wind
I gotta piss like a race horse
any flies on you they're paying rent
bang a left, bang a right, bang a U-ie- (He was always saying to bang something)
And don't forget to use your directionals.
My mother's favs-
talk a glass eye to sleep - ( I couldn't grasp this as a 5 year old and I would hear “talk a glass Ida asleep” I had an Aunt Ida and I puzzled over the meaning of a glass Ida.)
Why, do you see a crowd around? - (My mother would always say this when I asked what was the matter or what's wrong.)
if you had a half a brain it would be lonely
if you had a half a brain you'd be dangerous
When she'd say this to me, I remember thinking that's stupid, if I had a half a brain I wouldn't be lonely or dangerous, best case scenario I'd be dead.
you smell like a french whore - (My mother would say this when she thought you were wearing too much cologne but to this day she denies saying this to her kids.)
you got a hair across your ass
you chicken shit
bird brain
ah, light dawns on marblehead - (used when someone dense finally gets it, this is pretty much exclusive to parts of Massachusetts, the Boston area, around Marblehead and it has something to do with it being the eastern most point of MA where the sun rises first. My mother loved the saying.)
two peas in a pod
something rotten in denmark
As a kid, I would say between 5 and 8, I took things quite literally. Here's a couple of typical conversation between me and my mother. Or so my mother likes to tell me to illustrate all she had to go through with me.
My mother, glaring at me and my dad, -“the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.”
Me -”How could it, unless the tree was on the top of a high mountain and the fruit rolled all the way down to the bottom or into a valley or something.”
My mother, tired of me and my questions - “Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier dear?” (my mother loves to rhyme)
Me - “I would fall in the water if I did that.”
My mother - “No flies on you.”
Me - “Because I was in the water?”
My mother - “No, because you stated the obvious. I was being sarcastic.”
Me - “So if someone tells you something that doesn't make any sense you shouldn't mention it because it's obvious?”
My mother - “It's a nice day go outside for awhile.”
Me - “It's raining.”
My mother - “Take an umbrella.”
Me - 'Not to state the obvious but you want me in water today.”
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