[TruTexan]

After having flown to TN with my mom and staying there a week at my younger sister's home. Mom got into a small tiff with my sister in which I had to set them both down and tell them I can't take the stress and neither can they. I made them hash out what was going on to try to resolve it.

Ok, now we're( mom and I) on the plane this past Monday and mom is fine, we land and wait for my uncle and she's fine. We get into the car and start driving. A little while passes and mom just explodes on me like fireworks went off and starts this yelling screaming bull shit, blaming me, saying ugly abusive things to me and one of them was that I never help her. I tried my hardest to ignore her and asked her to please just STOP, then my anxiety and ptsd went through the roof because she just kept on and on and on. Nagging and bitching at me and carrying on like some lunatic. My uncle is driving and we are distracted by the heavy rain falling and all the yelling in the car. I'm trying to focus on watching for our signs for turns to get to the freeway to take us home. He stops the car at a gas station and goes inside to the bathroom. I'm in the car with my mom and she's yelling and screaming at me even more and then from the back seat she reaches forward balls up her fist and starts hitting me in my right shoulder that's between the seat and car window and starts threatening me shaking her fist at me. I got out of the car, pulled open the back door and told her that if she didnt' quit hitting me I was going to call the cops and have her arrested for assault then get her evaluated for help because I can't take anymore shit. I've been helping my mom since my step father passsed away in Jan. 2010 and I've been having to put up with her abuse and treatment for 5 1/2yrs now. I got back into the front seat, buckled up and lost my control, yelled at her and told her I"M FUCKING DONE. AND I"M NOT TAKING HER TO THE DOCTOR TUESDAY. She begins to tell me OH YES YOU ARE. I said MOM, What part of DONE do you NOT UNDERSTAND? I'm NOT TAKING YOU ANYWHERE ANYMORE and she better call my uncle SAmmy to take her to the doctor. I told her I didn't want any further contact from her, not to call me later and apologize because her apologies are worthless and meaningless because they mean nothing without her change in her behaviour. That I didn't want to hear from her again and not to call me for anything. I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety and depression and ptsd rearing it's ugly head I'm losing my coping skills again. I didn't sleep at all after I got home that night. I had night terrors one on top of another and would wake up in fear and sweating. I had to call my case manager at the Andrews Center where my therapist works and where my doctor is to see if there is ANY WAY POSSIBLE that they can find a way for me to continue seeing my therapist and use my medicare insurance that will pay for more therapy. The center only allows so many sessions and I'm out of sessions. I was crying on the phone with my case manager practically begging her for her help. I just don't know how to walk away without a support system emotionally and mentally. I need my therapists help to get through this and the guilt that I feel inside. I called my younger sister and told her what happened and that I just couldn't do it anymore that it's affecting me too much to continue helping our mom. I then asked my sister if she had any understanding of why mom chooses to do this shit to only me and no one else, my sister had no answer and could only say I"m sorry, so I told her I was DONE taking care of mom, that I needed to take care of Me because I can't deal with mom anymore. It's just too much, and all she could do was be quite on the phone, listen, and in a soft voice to me said OK, OK.
Man, I have so much stuff on my own plate that is overwhelming me and now this shit with my mom. I feel like I'm such a bad person for telling mom that I can't do it anymore because of her behavior. I live in a one horse town and there is only 2 people here that I consider friends in my all adult seniour citizens apt complex. I have only 1 that will talk to me about this stuff but has nothing really to say about it except that she's sorry I"m going through all this with my mom. I Need Emotional support from friends and family and I just don't have that. I am reaching out to those of you caregivers to see if you all can help give me this. I need all the emotional support I can get. I'm all alone here and no one in my family understands. I called my grandmother and a dear friend from online and both tell me to take care of myself and leave my mom alone and don't talk to her if she calls. I know I have to take care of me because if I don't and my depression gets any worse, I'll be so messed up and end up having a nervous breakdown. Which I cannot stop if it happens. All I can do is ask for emotional support from online friends and my therapist and case manager. I'm also going to go through back surgery on June 18th and I don't need anymore stress in my life. I need calm and peace to be able to go through recovery until my back is healed. So, please , if you can, send me messages and talk with me even if it's just talking about the weather. I would appreciate it.
Thanks in advance,
B.