Quote:
Originally Posted by Kätzchen
I wonder if people in the community would be interested in sharing views on whether Setting the Bar High is the proverbial magic bullet that serves to help you find an healthy romantic relationship.... especially one that endures over time.
But I'm torn about the idea of "setting the bar high."
1) What purpose is served?
And...
2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?
I would like to see this subject explored in reasonable ways.
If you've been wondering too, I'm interested in hearing your take on whether "setting the bar high" proved of any usefulness to you, at all.
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Well, I think things get confused with the term "bar" -
I have some cast iron boundaries from have many relationships with folks - because I used to be a very open and experimental sort of gal. I went with "chemistry" and really that was pretty much the only thing that mattered in terms of dating (to me dating is not serious, it means getting to know people, no promises, no obligations - then after a period of time you can make decisions later).
So my boundaries come from experience in getting to know myself in relationships, being married (and divorced), and spending a good solid 3 years on my own with no dating, no sex to get to know just me (something I had never done, since the age of 14, the longest I went without sex was one year and that didn't mean I didn't date).
My boundaries that I know will work best for me, that will make me the very happiest, give me independence and companionship unfortunately set a descriptive "high bar." These are non negotiables for me to function as a mentally healthy person. Because these do not fall within "lesbian normative" (living together, quickstart romance, monogamy from the get go, couple of dogs together, share finances, etc) the "bar" is set very high indeed.
"the bar" = someone who has the same wants and desires and values around relationship companionship, who also wants someone somewhat kinky (I'm more *filthy* than far end BDSM), femme, and has a similar sense of humour, and politics that won't piss me the fuck off. I'm open t;o butch, androg with masc flavours, gender queer masc, femme daddy-esque types. So I'm not playing a strictly limited field.
Even though that sounds not very high, trust me, that's miles high. Too high for pretty much anyone I'm spoken to in the last 5 years, save one person.
So for me, if "the bar" it too high, and I suspect is it in queer/lesboland in the age range of 38-58, I'm Spinster and I don't mind at all. I'm happy and content on my own, it would be nice to have sex and companionship, but I'm not exactly suffering and I've had more peace in the last 3 years than I've ever had in a r'ship. So, lol... yeah, bar stays where it is.