[PoeticSilence]

I'm the caregivee. My wife is the caregiver. I think that a person who has gone from being productive and successful and even adventurous has a right to be angry with themselves when they lose those qualities unwillingly. That being said, I don't think it's right to take it out on your caretaker. I know I've done this, but the times are few and far between. Usually it's happened after a lot of frustration has built up and she's wanting some recognition for what she's going through too, and somehow, I haven't done that.

It can start easily, maybe she was putting my leg wraps on, and making me feel like she was rushed or maybe she inadvertently bumped my other leg while passing the wraps over and under. Of course I'll say Please be careful, be careful of my legs. She'll get exasperated and claim that she is, with that tone that means she's heard this before. Maybe I'll feel the wraps are too loose and say so, and she'll say they aren't, and of course within a few hours, they are so loose, they've come undone. It can be the smallest of things. A tone. A sigh. A look. A certainty of being ignored, rushed, refused. I imagine it's the same for nearly everyone.

We've worked it through, but still we can have our days. She just needs to get out of the house, go to a movie, go out to eat. Just go away. I can't really go away. Maybe I can go to another room and stay there so she has some time to herself. I try to do as much for myself as I can, but even I had to come to grips with what I can't do. She worries about going too far in case I fall or get hurt (a brush with a empty cardboard box tore my leg open and it took months for that tear to heal).

I think we've worked out a lot of things, and she meets with my doctors after I have, in case there're things she's concerned about or wants to talk about privately. I also have to remember to recognize her, thank her for cooking, tell her what I did like about it instead of what I didn't like about it. Offer to fold the laundry since she's washed and dried it. Try to keep my side of the bed made when I'm getting up so that she doesn't have to. My arms aren't too badly affected so I offer foot rubs.

The most important thing I have to do is that when I'm frustrated, I have to remember not to take it out on her. She's likely just as frustrated as I am. I try not to deal with social security or things that will get me upset when she's around at all. And most importantly, I have to remember to thank her sincerely for what she does for me. Usually at night before she goes to sleep. I want to make sure she knows that I know that she's valuable to me and not just some health care giver that I got stuck with.