Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa
* Do you think that Femmes contribute in any way to the gender or identity formation of Butches or Transmen?
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A good friend of mine recently made the decision to begin transitioning. I've never met him in person though I've known him for 7 years now through various internet media, phone and paper mail. He lives in a small town and is physically pretty isolated. He's never been interested in the butch-femme dynamic, and so he hasn't had to deal in gender wars in this community.
When I was in my darkest moments in the exploration of my own gender, I talked to him about it. He and I had so much in common regarding our gender experience even though we seem very different from the outside. When I felt least accepted by others, he accepted me. Because he wasn't married to any definitions of femme, nothing I told him about my own experience made him feel uncomfortable or made him question my experience or identity.
I've always offered him the same acceptance. During the last 7 years, there's been a steady drumbeat of "I'm trans" though there has been a lot of variation of approach to dealing with the circumstances. Most of the time, I was just an ear, an open door - and he has been the same to me. The other day he thanked me for my "unwavering support." That support was made of listening, hearing, accepting, encouraging, reflecting back. That's it. Relatively few and far between moments over the course of 7 years.
I don't think femmes have the ability to change a person's ID, but I do think acceptance and support can be chosen over rejection and judgment. I don't think it's just the job of femmes to accept and support though. I think there are some heterosexist/sexist ideas that filter in from mainstream culture that somehow the feminine partner is the one in charge of the emotional labor or that the feminine group are the ones within the community compelled to shoulder the emotional labor for the group as a whole.
hmm this is a little incomplete but work calls.