[imperfect_cupcake]

closure for me does not happen like closing a door. It's many many stages of closure.

It's almost two years ago my wife left and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened. I'm still angry. I still miss who she used to be. I still miss the incredibly good parts of our partnership... in terms of it being "us" not "her"

I took some time away. I just got in contact with her to just say I'm still around, don't know if I can talk yet. still angry.

She came back with a happy email of great news and stuff that just brought up a bunch of bile for me. She has very obviously been able to move on. And I've been very slowly trying to piece myself back. And wondering how long it will be until I'm able to trust anyone.

I would like to be friends but I dunno. I asked her for an apology for her choices or at least and aknowlegement it *WAS* a choice. rather than "oh it just happened, I didn't plan it, I'm sorry you got hurt blah blah."

when I hear that from her, I dunno maybe it might help me to get past it? Maybe not. Maybe I'll still be fucking angry for a long time anyway. But I at least told her what I needed from her if she does want to be friends.

other relationships? I say goodbye. I say goodbye in the way you say good bye to dead people. The relationship is dead. I write a letter and burn it. I take time for myself. I can't be around the other person. I know they want to be friends like, a week later, cause they miss me. you know what? that's what happens when things die. you miss them.

I try and do my work and I don't ask them to do my work for me. I write and write. and in stages, little things close. like a wall with a thousand doors. over time and work, one little door will close.

Sometimes I'm scared to close some of those little doors because I'm scared. scared that there won't be anything on the other side of all those hurt feelings. that there is just nothingness. and something is better than nothing.

It's a long, slow process that only I can give myself.