[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Is stone-ness an identity, a behavioral boundary, or simply a behavior? One butch who has posted in butch-femme forums, as well as in an online bdsm site, (there seems to be a lot of overlap), has written a gorgeous defense of the Stone Butch identity as a state of the soul. Stone-ness as a metaphor. The impenetrability of the Stone Butch (capitalized as a proper noun and a signal of dominance) as a social/spiritual identity. If I could easily find that post I would link to it here. It's hard not to be convinced with language that beautiful and emotionally anchored.

For better or worse, that doesn't apply to me. Being a stonefemme is an important part of who I am, and I'm both empowered and limited by it.My stonefemme identity is core for me, but it is NOT a social identity or a spiritual state for me as it seems to be for some others. It does, however, seem to be very connected to my core identity as a sexual submissive. Being strictly a catcher means that I'm the receptive, submissive counterpart to a sexually dominant partner. In bed. I'm not behaving as a catcher. I AM a catcher. I can't pitch, and I'm not interested in entertaining requests to do so. That would be sex I don't want to have. Whether I'm coerced into it by a badgering date/partner, (If you really cared about me and my needs....), or if I press myself into the act, (I'm a LESBIAN fer Pete's sake! Why can't I do this?), engaging in sex I don't want is a very bad idea. One stonefemme friend described forcing herself to penetrate her butch partner at a time prior to knowing her own boundaries as raping herself. Yes, it has felt that way to me, too. So... no. I would never call it a simple behavior choice. Not for me. It's part of my identity, just as being a lesbian is my identity.

Would a femme without her own stone boundaries, who respects the boundaries of her stone butch partner, subsequently be called a stonefemme because she is behaving as one? Everyone can self identify in all the ways of their own choosing, but I wouldn't call that person a stonefemme. Being a stonefemme means those are your own boundaries.

And because I couldn't turn off the feminist critique even if my life depended on it, I have to add that I think it's incredibly important for women to define ourselves rather than to define who we are in relationship to our partners.

Great post. Thank you. Being Stone is not about behavior in relation to one's partners boundaries at all. It is about our own boundaries and for those who identify as Stone, part of their identity.