[hippieflowergirl]

it took me a long time to finally fall in love. it wasnt easy to accept love for myself so i think i've always gone about finding it the wrong way and i hurt a lot of people in the process.

i've loved often and fortunately i'm still friends with those i've had long term relationships with, something for which i'm grateful. but i've only fallen in love once and that was the love that taught me what it was to be loved...or to allow myself to be loved...in return.

i always tried not to show weakness or ask for help. it was only when it was made clear that such revelations were expected of me that i understood that love was messy and ridiculous and sometimes confusing (but confusing only when i was getting in its way) and that it was okay that it be so.

i think unconditional acceptance and forgiveness and love requires us to be flawed and to not hide that fact the way so many people do. love isnt blind. love sees every flaw and oddity and mistake and moment of jackassery...and loves because of those things...because of the messy, ridiculous, confusing, unraveled parts rather than in spite of them. "in spite of" puts one partner in a "less than" place.

loving because of the struggle...loving because you can engage the struggle together...loving even when someone makes you so angry you cant see straight...that's unconditional. when love is more important than anger...that's unconditional. when love is more important than whatever false pride or moment of stupidity or lapse of judgment...that's unconditional. it doesnt mean that boundaries can be ignored or promises dont matter...it means that whatever anger or hurt or missteps there are dont have to overwhelm the reasons for loving.

no one comes equipped with this stuff. it's learning, learning that no matter how crazy a choice seems or how obvious a mistake should have been you still love without thinking less of the other because of those moments.

all anger is a "moment". all hurt is a moment. some moments are longer than others. but they're still just moments. if something is unhealthy or unsafe, we can accept and forgive (ourselves as well as others) and love...and then walk away.

unconditional love is always possible. always. because it's a choice. choice is easy. follow through takes more work...but choice is easy. once you choose, actively, sometimes with every breath...the follow through is easier too.

why would i deny myself the honor of sitting in the discomfort and pain and the heartache with the person i love the most? dont i want them to do that for me? we all want unconditional acceptance and forgiveness and love. when it comes time to step up and provide reciprocity...why should we find it so hard? it's just a choice. nothing can happen before we make the choice.

"unconditional" is just a way of breathing through the moments and of knowing that there is no mistake or misstep or lapse that anyone else can make that i cant (or havent) made as well.

* i was what you are, you will be what i am