[imperfect_cupcake]

my heart was shattered 18 months ago, then a few months into it, my heart started to slushily damaged beat for someone and that got stomped. So presently it really doesn't honestly work. I have dated, very casually, slept with a few people and I'm not looking to get attached. it's nice having company, sex and a laugh and being responsible for no one, not having to think about anyone else. I hated it at first, but in the last two months I've really blossomed into it and love my complete independence of thought and action.
My heart is still very broken. I don't trust people with commitment - ESPECIALLY if they chase me hard. And people that start blathering on about romantic stuff way too quickly, sets my alarm bells off.
Not that I think they are nuts, but I have done this sooooo many times. Given in to a hard chase. I've learned my lesson.
One day, I'll learn to love someone, some one who goes slow and casually.
I don't want to fall in love anymore, and I don't mean that in a sad or bitter way. I mean that in a sincere, honest, happy way. I want slow growth, not a quick fall.

And if I don't ever have another romantic relationship? that's ok. I'm fine with the friends with benefits, sex pizza booty calls, the odd casual date and my friends. Now that the pain is more distant, I'm still mourning the loss of something I thought was worthwhile, but in a deeper, quieter way. There is layers to this grief.

the divorce will be final in 3 weeks. She's with someone and I'm watching someone else fall in love for the second time after me. I'm starting to feel resilient. I'm starting to understand who *I* am in context to just me. still broken hearted, but I think I know better now, I think (HOPE) I've learned the value of my strengths and that it's ok to have better boundaries and to not let people push me. And when people call me a cold bitch, I think "I see you, mother fucker. I see your manipulation tactics. I see your little temper tantrum. No way. You've just shown your hand"
and I don't take it on.

Broken hearts teach. I've been non-functionally devastated, depressed, seethingly angry, self-reviling, hateful, hurt, crying, I lost 3 dress sizes from not eating....

but the best best best advice given to me by another woman who lost her wife was "find something, anything, just for you. something that means something just for you. take archery. go back to school. go to cambodia. something, anything you've always wanted to do. take it. that's the start."

And I keep doing that. It works.

and having a saturday night guest every once in a while helps. not much talking. just sushi, some laughs and sex. I completely prescribe that one too! I don't do it often as it's not easy to find people who want something that casual (they aren't common) whom I also enjoy as a person (not everyone in that rare group is going to match up with my personality!). But I strongly suggest it!