Mom is coming to dinner tonight, I HAVE to read this to her LOL
Dear Mom,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but the Mafia wants you. I think I realized it when I saw the purple monkey in your car and I saw you sit on my Father. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.
Kiss my butt,
Jewel
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