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Originally Posted by guihong
Can't say I've experienced it either, but that's because I haven't been in a long term relationship with a woman. With my former husband-yeah, that part died pretty much from go (gee, I wonder why??). Somehow we managed to have our beautiful children. It was the same with any other relationship with a man.
I'm here to tell you that given a healthy relationship out of bed, and my depression under control, I'm rarin' to go! I think I too would have to date someone with an extremely healthy libido, or else we just wouldn't be compatible in that way. I spent eight years in a sexless marriage, and I'm not wasting any more time, so to speak.
No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.
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Yes, menopause has an effect on libido. And there are many ways to treat this. It isn't the end of the world. in fact, it can be the start of a whole new sexual adventure. To me, quality out ranks quantity- and always has.
Something that I feel is lacking in this conversation is the role of sensuality (glad you used the term). To be honest, even in the heat and zealousness of my early life over flowing hormone levels, sex without sensuality led to simply not caring for sex with a partner- which is very different than losing my libido. Sexual compatibility is paramount (is for me, anyway).
Disability issues can play a role here, too. Medications as well and some illnesses. Again, there are ways to deal with these things and reach a whole new level of satisfaction as well as desire. Something else that I know we don't like to talk about is the fact that for some, physical changes in a partner can and do impact our sexual desire for them along with the obvious emotional/psychological changes that can occur in a partner. Often, our own guilt about feeling turned-off with some of these changes adds to the stress and tension around our sexual dilemmas. A lover slacking off with personal care and hygiene can put stops on sexual desire. This is just a very complicated area (and highly sensitive)- and I don't think there are quick fixes or simple defining constructs.
The Goddesses only know that demands and stresses of daily life and busy lives has an impact on this, too. This is why setting aside "date nights" or mini-vacations, etc. are important for couples in LTRs.
I am a person that has always enjoyed and desired sex (especially with sensuality involved) at high levels- even post menopausal (although I have felt some change), yet, if the emotional interaction off, I am not going there. This has always been so. It is about the relational fields between myself and a lover. Some people do not operate this way- and this isn't divided along gender lines.
Something I found almost amusing while practicing as a therapist (I did quite a bit of couples work) was that there is a big disparity with how many individuals believe they have a high or very active libido when most fit right into the “norm.” A lot of ego involvement going on and misperception. Most people have no idea of what research bears out concerning libido and that can be hurtful for themselves and their partners.
Just enjoy…. And if something goes amiss, do something about it- together! Hell, just sharing that something is off with your partner and talking about what to do about it, jump starts a lot!!