I've met so many new people in the last six months and reconnected with so many others that with all these getting-to-know-you conversations going on simultaneously, its given me occasion to reflect on what it is I need and desire to have in
any relationship, whether friendly, familial, or otherwise.
Beyond the obvious things that I think everyone wants (and in no particular order), at this point in my life I'm finding these things to be important to me:
- Playfulness.
- Equal parts intelligence and humility.
- Someone who knows they don't have all the answers (not necessarily the same thing as above) .
- Gentleness of spirit and action. Likewise, a life history showing evidence of a compassionate heart.
- Someone who sees the good in people... or will keep on trying until they do.
- The ability to be kind when it is tough and a person who, when they see a vulnerably exposed neck on someone else, refuses to go for the jugular.
- Someone who owns and understands their long term mental health quirks, who actively works to be functional in spite of them and does not lead a life ruled by them. I'm not talking about occasional blips, like situational depression or anxiety in high stress environments/periods in your life. I'm talking life long trends... being self aware enough to know what they are and being proactive enough to work with and around them.
- A genuine interest in other people. Two way conversations, intentional cultivation, and someone who listens rather than simply waiting to speak... it's so vital for any meaningful connection.
- Someone who does not clutch their woundedness so close to their chest, white knuckled fist, pained expression, deathly afraid to let it go. As a personality trait, I have no patience for this anymore. I am not discounting or rejecting people's trauma or life experiences but rather the kind of person who builds their identity around being a constant victim their whole life. I can't stand it. Everyone on this green Earth has been wounded, some severely and repeatedly. While the feelings arising from it are valid, woundedness does not (IMO), in and of itself, make someone special. Their resilience in the face of it does. I need someone who knows the difference.
- Someone who sees and seeks nuance... Someone who sees very little in life as black or white and who genuinely wants to see all the other shades there are in between.
- Earnestness, enthusiasm, and emoting without shame (or trying really hard to get there; we all have different starting points). Talk about your corniest or weirdest thoughts, geek out enthusiastically, show that soft underbelly, and express those other emotions like no one ever made you feel silly or sheepish for doing so. I think you're brave as anything for doing it and I will admire the hell out of you every time I see you try (whether or not you ever truly succeed).
- Someone who has a sense of poetry to their lives. Talk of your former friends and lovers with the respect they deserve. Speak of them with love and thoughtfulness, acknowledge the pathos and the joy, and show me your vulnerability while their name is on your lips.
- Show me the qualities you're proud of. Don't inform me about them. Please don't boast. Show. Me. I want to fall in love with who you are as a human. Please give me the opportunity.